House of the Dead Review

Hey, Tara Strong here, and you're listening to

the GeekCast Radio Network. Hello, and welcome

to another episode of the Cinema Geeks. I am

one of your Cinema Geeks optimists solo, and

joining me today is, ladies first, Hard Kane

D -Mandy. Spit it out, Rob. Alright, moving over

to Dan. How's it going? Not too bad. I'm just

trying to save his names without fumbling too

much here. Matt mentioned the Cubs game in pre

-record and now he's totally fucking frazzled

because he has to wait until the end of this

to go see the rest of the game. I didn't even

say anything. I just said the Cubs were happening.

I didn't even say it. Did you hear how mad he

got? He was like, don't say anything. He did.

He freaked out. It's hilarious. I think they

just scored a touchdown. Oh That's like seven

points. That's an easy lead anyway We are here

to continue Against our will to continue our

process through the video game film Man, this

is terrible All the movies based on video game

films and we thought you know when we started

with some 80s cheese and whatnot that we would

find some diamonds in the rough along the way

and I don't know if that's something that we

should continue to hold out hope for because

we have entered the segment of the series that

will be dealing with UA Bowl movies. Today we

are talking about the first of those House of

the Dead from 2003 and obviously like I said

directed and produced by UA Bowl, screenplay

by Mark Altman, Dave Parker Story by Mark Altman

and Dan Bates. This is based on the Sega House

of the Dead game series. And usually what we

do when we talk about these video game films

is we start off with our knowledge of the actual

games that they are based off of. I have already

kind of shown my hand a couple weeks ago that

I was going to be... pretty non -existent for

this part of the discussion from here on out

because I just lost track of video games, but

I'm interested to see if any of you guys had

experience with the House of the Dead video games.

So let's start with Matt. Matt, did you ever

play them, or what is your knowledge as far as

the House of the Dead video games? I have, and

I would bet money you have too, you just don't

remember, because House of the Dead started off

as arcade light gun games, and I know we had

them in our town. I was assuming you lived in

the same town as me. I could be wrong. And we

definitely had them here. Kevin didn't have anything

but one gas station in his town and no stoplights.

My specific town had no stoplights and no fast

food. When did you move to the bigger towns?

Not until after college. Oh, well then, yeah,

you definitely didn't experience it, I guess.

But we were at a land palace in the mall, weren't

we, Matt? Yeah. Was that what that was called?

Yes. I just called it the mall arcade. But yeah,

we had the mall arcade, but we still have Nickel

World. And I'm sure if you went to Nickel World

tomorrow they'd have at least one of the House

of the Dead games. So did you play them just

in arcade or did you play any of the Sega ones?

Just in the arcade. But I imagine they were still

Sega published, just not on a console. And they're

actually on Wii if you want to play them that

way. You can buy them on the Wii Virtual Console.

Interesting. Amanda? I've only played the arcade

versions. Liked it? Didn't like it? Yeah, dude,

I crush it at any light gun games. All right,

a light gun game fan. Dan, are you familiar with

all these arcade shenanigans? I did. I didn't

actually, I was the opposite. I didn't play it

in the arcade. I played it, I think, friend had

it for, I think, the Dreamcast or PlayStation,

one of the two, and I played a great deal. Though

unlike... I never really paid attention to the

story very much. I kind of just, you know, click

the gun through that as quickly as possible because

I wanted to shoot things. Also, was not very

good at it. So I never got very far. So that's

the other thing. So the question, guys, is, is

it the worst video game ever played? No, it's

not. It's not, sir. So that should answer our

question as far as how well did the movie? resemble

or depict the actual video game. Dude, I don't

even know if this is the worst UA Bowl film.

You better check yourself. Before you wreck yourself.

This is not setting the bar too high for the

UA Bowl retrospective that I'm sure will never

be done. Oh, next! Next! This is commonly referred

to as one of the worst films of all time and

we are here to tell you if that is true. or not,

but before we get to the actual film, is there

any resemblance to the video game whatsoever

that you saw while you watched this film, Amanda?

I don't know. Was it like opening credits? I

think that might have been actual, like, fucking

gameplay. Opening credits, they spliced it throughout.

There's like a timer and it didn't matter what

scene it was or if it had anything to do with

anything It was like we have hit the the 300

second timer. We need to show you a cut of a

video game picture I think it was just any time

they didn't know how to change scenes They were

like just throw in three seconds of video game

footage It was so distracting. And it was so,

like, the graphics of the video game are so old

and, like, retro that it's just, I don't know.

It's like when you're doing a PowerPoint and

you have to do the transition slides. But they're

doing it so fast that you can barely even tell

if it has anything to do. Like, you're like,

is this the video game, like, version of what's

going on right now on the screen? Like, they're

showing us this is what it looked like in the

video game. But it happens so fast that you really

have no clue. So. I guess they had that in there,

Matt. Was there other things about the game that

you saw translated into the film? Is that aimed

at me or her? You. Well, if you know anything

about the video game, there's a reveal towards

the end that one character is actually the character

from the video game, and this is a prequel to

the first game. But other than that, you really

have to have deep house of the dead knowledge

for any of this to resonate with you. from the

video game. But that's just like, I mean, we

could talk deeper about Uwe Boll and how he does

things and how he does things on purpose that

are terrible. Before we get to that, Dan, did

you have anything that you saw that reminded

you of the gameplay in any way, shape or form?

There were people in the movie and there are

people in the game. The acting was just as good.

As the game if not better in the game So they

got that going for it. It didn't even have a

house so Wait, I thought that one thing I wrote

down that once that it's creepy building in the

forest of the house There was a building there

was a shack or like a building. I don't know

if I consider that a house I guess people can't

really afford mortgages. All right, so they had

to work with what they had and I don't think

they actually went to an island I'm I'm pretty

sure they were in a lake and then they said it

was an island. They couldn't even get their land

masses correctly. Unless they were legitimately

throwing scenes from the movie into the movie,

even though it resembled nothing on screen, whatsoever.

Like I said, I don't even remember much of the

story of the House of the Dead. I just was shooting

things. It was like time crisis. I didn't really

care about the story. I just wanted to beat the

game. To give you guys some numbers here, the

budget for House of the Dead was $7 million.

Really? Yeah. $7 million. And apparently they

made it back. I don't know if this is international

box office. It has to be. It can't be just domestic.

But it says it made $13 million. $13 .8. As far

as Rotten Tomatoes go, 4%. That's 3 % too high.

Rotten Tomatoes actually ranked it 41st in the

100 Worst Reviewed Films of the 2000s. It claims

that it's a moderate box office success. This

actually there's two conflicting reports in the

same article because one of them says its budget

7 million The other one says its budget was 12

million Which means it would barely have made

back that so I don't know which one of those

is the is the actual correct number Man, I cut

you off though. I was gonna say one thing and

I So I can't speak to this because I haven't

done my research So I don't know for a fact that

this is what it said, but when the movie boys

did this one of them had actually interviewed

Uwe Boll and they had done a lot more research

and they said that he exploits a thing in German

tax code where if you make a movie that doesn't

make its money back or barely makes its money

back it ends up being like a huge tax write -off

or something for the studio and it ends up getting

the studio ultimately makes a lot more money

than if they had spent 60 million dollars on

a movie or... And so, like, that could be his

goal is to barely make budget or not make budget.

That's bizarre. So you purposely make shit? Yes.

Yeah, that's terrible. It is the live version

of the producers, yes. It's like when you like

disney makes a lot of money on star wars But

if you get like a movie that bombs you can like,

you know You'll be able to keep some of that

profit because you have this movie that was unsuccessful

So you get this guy to do this movie and make

us watch it and regret much most of it Man, I

don't even know how much we want to get into

this but let's let's turn our attention to the

actual film itself Obviously, it's terribly reviewed

talked about as one of the worst films of all

time Dan I'll just let's start it with a simple

question. Is this the worst film that we've covered

so far? Oh Yeah, that's not Yeah, like you mean

like ever in the history of any movie ever done

like he cast radio Yes, that that answer is correct

Amanda, do you feel as strongly in your initial

reaction to this film? Is it one of the worst

films ever? Quite possibly, yes. And the thing

is, I remembered liking this movie, but apparently

I was high or something all through high school,

and I thought this was cool. No, this movie was

like, no, no. As soon as it started, I was like,

Matt was right. Matt was right, because I remember

like tweeting us something like, this is awful,

and none of these characters are likeable, and

I was like, Matt was right. I even think I have

that in my notes like three times, Matt was fucking

right. Apparently, it's impossible for me to

find anything awesome in this movie because there

was nothing likeable about it whatsoever. I don't

think there was anything redeeming about it or

the characters. I don't think there's anything

that you could pick out of this movie that you're

like, yeah, that was all right. I could take

that. No. All my notes are just shitting on this

movie. I just shit all over this movie. Matt,

that kind of is reminding me of what you said

initially about the characters in this film.

That's what you just said. You were saying nothing

was redeeming, but like I said, that reminded

me of what Matt was saying about the actual characters,

like how there was not even a character that

was redeeming or had anything good about it.

Matt, after you've had some time to sit on it,

is that the, are you still sticking by what you

were saying originally, and is this one of the

worst films you've ever seen? Totally, like,

and I mean, it's really easy to say, like, that's

bad, you know, the characters are unredeemable,

and pass it on. Oh, this is bad, like, the storyline's

terrible, and pass it on. But like... So I want

to be a writer. I went to school to be a writer.

I listened to writing podcasts I read writing

blogs I I try everything I can do to be a better

fictional writer and so when I sat down this

movie I I set out to write down all the beats

all the plot points and figure out what makes

it work what makes it not work and One thing

that you're supposed to do as a writer if you

want to make an interesting story where people

like the characters is usually you want to have

a competent character who then gets taken out

of their element. That's like the number one

most common way to write a story. And if you're

just like, oh, we've got three million dollars,

let's slap together a story. That's what you

should do. Standard three act story with a competent

character that gets taken out of their element

and has to grow to become a new person. Like

very simple concept. At the very beginning, everyone's

incompetent and no one's likable. There's one

competent character throughout the whole movie,

the brunette. um, who left her boyfriend to become

a fencer, I guess? And she's the only competent

character, but she's so mean to every single

person around her, she's not likable. There's

no one in this movie that you can relate to,

or like, or enjoy. Yeah, I would agree with that

statement. And that's my problem right now is,

like, we all have these notes, or some of us

might have these notes, and I have a whole page,

and it's like... What is the point of going over

all of these notes? No one that watches this

film can get... Is there anybody that defends

this film? Is there a House of the Dead defender

out there that we need to go into detail on why

they should not like this film? Is there a House

of the Dead truth -er out there that's like,

no, this is a legitimately good movie? It's every

aspect of filmmaking is bad in this film. From

the acting to the writing to the dialogue to

the editing like there is It's not just no redeeming

characters or no competent characters. There's

no redeeming quality of the entire film Like

I could not find anything doesn't to write positive

on this entire sheet of paper I'm agreeing with

you It's like it's like a skin a max movie on

Cinemax with less dignity in sad nudity. Yeah.

Yeah And it's like, right from the beginning

you know it's going to be bad because they have

narration that literally tells you everything

that's about to happen over the next however

long this ungodly movie is. Like, you immediately

in the first scene with your voiceover tell me

that none of these characters are going to live.

So, what is the point of me watching any further?

It's great though, because like the voiceover

starts off as like, man things have really gotten

bad over the last three days! And then it's like...

credits and then it cuts back to voiceover dude

this is this guy and here's ten things about

him this is this other dude here's five things

about him this is my ex -girlfriend she quit

she dumped me to become a fencer but don't worry

that's not foreshadowing to the very last scene

where she can't even win a sword fight and it's

like in the stuff that they're saying and then

in the voiceover is not even true like they're

like this here's Simon he got the looks And it's

not even a good looking dude, like what? Are

you talking about at 1 .3? What did they say?

They make a comment that he has a Tom Cruise

smile, but a Rain Man brain? That line is in

the movie. And the dude did not even do anything

dumb anywhere near that line. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Isn't that that dude who's all like, hey, there's

a boat covered in zombies. I'm going to jump

in the water. Isn't that the same dude? He did

some dumb shit. No, no, I'm saying like in that

moment, like he had just done an action that

wasn't necessarily dumb and then they make the

comment like but it says rain man brain like

rain man had crew smile with a rain man brain

rain man at least could like do stuff like he

still he was what you call it he was a savant

savant yeah i mean the dialogue in this is just

so it's like what dan was saying it's like the

the dialogue you would expect to hear on like

something on showtime or cinemax or something

like that that's the quality of dialogue it's

so bad they did get one of the worst Go ahead.

They did two actors that knew what they were

doing in Captain Kirk and his creepy first mate.

Those are two actual actors that have actually

done work that were totally, well, the first

mate was totally phoning in. Ron Howard's a little

brother, I think. Yeah, Clint Howard. Ron get

your brother and you need a Like what's going

on man? I thought for sure they were setting

that character up to do something cool and it

doesn't never happen to like Dan you were saying

something or Matt. Did you finish your thought

on that one? Nope, that's good Dan goes There

is like the sequence in this which is one of

the worst things I've ever seen in my life Movie

wise and like where it's like where somehow they

all get magical martial arts Powers and they're

walking with the gun like they're walking out

to fight all the zombies it goes on for I felt

like they're like 30 minutes where like they

all get these like shots that like You know,

that's like a video game where they like, you

know He's doing the zoom or camera and camera

around them zooming as they're coming out with

all their guns and trying to fight and it goes

on forever and then by the end like the amount

of cuts that were in that sequence like legitimately

I don't think you can physically count them like

like Michael Bay is like look wow, that's that's

lot of cuts like it was like right every like

three seconds and by the end it was just like

a strobe light and I'm like what is this thing

and that's when he's throwing in scenes from

the video game it was just like why is this like

who thought that was like a good idea and I could

see him probably doing it and thinking this is

the most kick -ass thing ever made and it's just

like it is so bad I don't know if you know what

was seen or if you just all blocked it out which

perfectly acceptable but I've got two very important

things to say about that scene. In my notes for

that scene, I wrote down, the only thing anyone

but the brunette is good at is killing, which

is accurate. And then two, when they do the weird

zooming, each character gets their own weird

circle zoom, where it's like, look at this character,

they're badass. And in every single one of them,

they're holding a different gun, oftentimes one

that... they don't even have on them like in

one scene like a guy's got a desert eagle and

when he picks it up you know like Kirk's like

oh desert eagle very nice and he's like shooting

the desert eagle and it's like it cuts to America

or glory whatever the hell the the asian girl's

name was and she's like holding the desert eagle

and it's like she doesn't have that he has that

Like, it's just like - Are you guys talking about

the, are you guys talking about the scene where

they, it's like the weapons montage, where they're

all trained on how to use the weapons? Well,

I mean, they're not, they don't get any training,

they just literally, there's a - No, but it's

like, we have to believe that they all know how

to use all these weapons now. Each one of them

is very, very adept at murder. And then they

go on to use grenades in the worst way possible

for the rest of the film. Dude! I've never seen

grenades be used in a worse fashion. Kirk's like,

don't worry guys, I'll defend the front door.

And it's like, wait, is someone whistling outside?

I'm gonna open the front door and then blow off

the face of the building with dynamite for no

reason. Amanda, what are some of the notes that

you wanted to bring up for House of the Dead?

Yeah, I don't know this is freaking ridiculous

like raving during the day is a thing first of

all Let's go out to an island rave with 20 people

at it During the day and I think that It had

some definite quintessential 2000s late 90s looks

and it was fucking ridiculous and The monsters

were super fucking big looking and cheesy with

their like red glowing ass eyes the jumping zombies

Yeah, and I think that character set up was just

so fucking ridiculous. They were way too characterized

They super played up stereotypes Nobody could

deliver any good lines because there were no

good lines I think even if there was good lines

in this I don't think these actors were capable

of like actually delivering some quality stuff

so I think this was kind of doomed from the beginning

and I think that when When they were like hey,

there's all this scary shit going on We're gonna

go hide in the scariest fucking place possible

in this ramshackle shack with a cemetery around

it. That seems like a good idea. Let's go do

that. The boat is literally your only source

of escape. They get the weapon stash and then

make no attempt to try to get to the boat using

the weapon stash. It's like, let's take all these

weapons and go inland. I don't know. I think

if Resident Evil was done super shitty, this

movie would have a chance, but Resident Evil

did right what this movie should have been trying

to do, and incorporating the horror elements,

incorporating the video game play, incorporating

the characters, and I don't think it did any

of that. If the narration wasn't a tip -off that

this film was going to be bad from the beginning,

I did notice another sign that apparently is

a bad omen for video game films. If you are watching

a video game film and somewhere in the film they

have something that has the logo of the video

game or the video game company, that is a bad

sign because they show the Sega sign and I knew

it was going to be downhill. This is a Sega sponsored

rave! What are you talking about? That's why

it's during the day. So, so bad. And who makes

tea naked when... aboard a boat full of strangers.

And that is totally cool when creepy first mate

guy shows up and is just like, hey, I tied some

chicken bones into a cross. And she's like, oh,

thank you. Here's my boobies. And I also like

two other things that I got to point out real

quick. We talked about the physical land masses

and whatnot. I like the fact that the cop says,

drop me off on the other side of the island.

to which we are then apparently led to believe

that this island is the smallest island ever

known to man because she's instantly with the

people that she was looking at like Drop me off

on the other side of the island and then apparently

I'm going to run like a marathon runner across

the entire island to get to these people in the

next scene like that that was quick and I the

other thing the ages of these actors come I don't

know if the ages of the actors are Also the ages

that they were trying to depict but it just didn't

seem to match up these people seem like they

were all 40 year olds trying to act like 23 year

olds and It just seemed like it was I don't know

just a jarring Thing to be like well Why are

the people here that are this age like their

four -year -old going to this rave? So I was

a little bit thrown off by that and I forgot

to mention the blood -swipe screens were almost

as bad as the video game cuts so Matt what else

do you have to say? What did what did we not?

I mean we could we could literally rip on this

film probably for like three hours at least and

not even like have Lulls in the conversation,

but what are the main other things that you want

to bring up about house of the dead? I don't

know how the zombies happen like how do zombies

turn because like you see people You see the

actors literally get turned right like like there's

the two the humpity bumpity couple Where it's

like she's like he's going he wants to pee in

the tent and she's like don't pee in the tent

and so he does it and then like she becomes a

zombie within two minutes but Kirk gets bit twice

and never turns into a zombie so how do they

turn zombies only when it's convenient oh okay

um also what the f is up with dude he's like

i'm gonna pee in the tent like But then she's

like, don't pee in the tent. And so he doesn't

go outside and just pee outside. He literally

walks like 50 feet to find a porta potty. At

that point, he would have just found a tree somewhere

nearby. I mean, really. Dan, what other things

do you think are worth mentioning about your

experience with House of the Dead? Worth mentioning.

Man. Yeah, I can't even think of anything. Did

you like the blood on the cop? The terrible fake

blood on the cop. That was another highlight.

And then the end guy, which I'm like legitimately

like with the worst makeup to make him look kind

of dead. It was so awful. Oh, man. It's just

like... I'm all for like, you know, there's those

bad movies are so bad that they're funny to watch

like birdemic or something like that other room

This isn't even that it's just like Seeing someone

trying to be cool and it just ends up being awkward

the entire time So it's like you can't I can't

even get that much enjoyment of it being so bad.

It's good It's just it's just bad playing the

app Amanda any final thoughts on house of the

dead that you want to leave us with? Gems nuggets

don't watch it just go to the freaking arcade

at the movie theater and shoot the zombies on

the screen Don't fuck with the movie stay away

from it. Don't waste your time Don't even put

it on for a nap. Okay? My question is Mike my

biggest question my final thought is How does

this have a 4 % on Rotten Tomatoes? That means

somebody wrote a positive review on this Did

you a bowl write his own review like that means

at least one individual wrote a pause I don't

know it says it's based on 57 reviews I'm not

gonna do the math or quick, but that means at

least one person wrote a positive review It was

a Japanese kid. I think it might actually mean

there were two positive views if I'm doing the

math quick in my head, but uh, two Japanese kids

like Maybe someone did it ironically It just

doesn't seem right. Uh, but I don't like What

was that? There's that the the Infamous critic

who was known for basically being the contrarian

for everything like you would hate Toy Story

3 and love Norbert and stuff like that So almond

almond white, I don't know if that's one who

did it But he was notorious for that like finding

like praising How old Sandler film is being like

the best thing ever and he just did it because

I think he liked to make people mad So that it

could be something like that Well, I guess one

culprit could be if there was somebody writing

reviews that were representing IGN, because apparently

IGN gave it three out of five stars. An unabashed

B -movie that does an incredibly decent job with

a limited budget unknown cast and routine storyline.

Incredibly decent. We all know that IGN reviews

are bought and paid for, like literally, so if

they positive review, their lowest score on video

games is like a seven. Actual things don't really

matter. So somebody paid for two good reviews

on Rotten Tomatoes, so it didn't have the zero,

but. Well, the other guy is from Los Angeles

Times. I'm like, that's a legit paper. So then

that's just sad. So hopefully he is not still

writing for them. But yeah, that's there's a

director's cut of this film in case anybody is

interested in. So is it an apology? New version

features new dialogue, alternative takes, pop

-up commentary, and animation from the original

video game. More than apparently you got in the

first one, because that's what we were missing.

More video game footage. Oh man, this is awful.

What is next? We have to do another UA Bowl movie

next, I think. Woo! Oh man. Hopefully we can

survive and finish the video game spotlight and

hopefully we don't all abandon ship but if you

want to give us your take on House of the Dead

and if there's anybody out there that does not

rate this as the worst video game film we have

covered so far, please comment at geekcastradio

.com or tweet us at CinemaGeekCast and let us

know why this is not the worst film so far in

the spotlight because I cannot fathom anybody

putting any of these other ones below it and

that's including Some real dingers that we've

watched so far. I mean we're talking about make

sure I mean the benefit of like watching movie

like this it makes you kind of like Realize what

a bad movie really is like you hear like You

know films like oh, that's an awful awful movie

like no This is an awful awful movie like you

know This is something I could see someone walking

out of and I think sometimes like it's good to

watch a movie like this system Remember remind

yourself. Oh, this is this is what truly terrible

looks like so well Yeah, you often hear you know

people because it's an easy thing to say like

this is the worst film I've ever seen or this

is the worst film of the decade and doing a lot

of hyperbole Folks we're not doing that with

this that there's no hyperbole involved. This

is literally One of the worst films of all time.

I got a fun game Oh, yeah, who's everyone's least

where who does everyone think is the worst actor

in this movie? She's who does the worst job.

I want to know what everyone's opinion is on

that It's gotta be one of the main two guys at

the beginning. I don't know if it's Simon and

What's the other dude's name? Greg I thought

Simon and Greg were pretty bad, but that's like

asking I would argue that Coast Guard Lady was

the worst. Oh, yeah? I was thinking that too.

She was so stilted. Yeah, I would think anybody,

it's like a 50 -way tie. Anybody besides Kirk

and maybe Clint Howard, I guess, even though

I never understood his character's purpose. To

be creepy? Because they're at movies and make

crosses. But outside of those two, I think it

was a tie across the board with everybody else.

Man, that's brutal. All right. Well, thanks for

tuning in this time to a stellar review of our

latest video game film, House of the Dead. Like

I said, you can go to website geekcastradio .com

and leave your comments there. Or you can tweet

us at cinemageekcast. If you want to get in touch

with us each individually, there's a way to do

that too. Amanda, how would someone get in touch

with you on Twitter? You can find me at hardcandymandy,

I's no wise. And Dan, how can people get a hold

of you on Twitter? I'm at movervolt. Matt? I

am at Fridley Sent. And I am at Optimus Solo.

So, leave us your thoughts. Besides that, tune

in next time for another chance to listen to

more video game fun with The Cinema Game.