DJ Valentine on Warner Bros. DC’s Mismanagement

The following episode of DJ Valentine Has Issues

contains harsh language, violent imagery, descriptions

of sexual situations, two rather odd references

to Greek mythology, which is quite impressive

for someone with a limited education, some screaming,

some sobbing, some bitching, some moaning, a

couple obvious cries for help, but above all

else, the nerdy lamentations of a grown man,

upset with adaptations of other grown men, flying

around in brightly colored tights and capes.

Listener discretion is advised. If you've got

an issue, here's a tissue. DJ Valentine. He doesn't

have a wife or a girlfriend, but he clearly has

issues. That guy has definitely got some issues

to work out. DJ Valentine? Man, that guy has

issues. Clearly has a number of issues. Clearly

has issues. Multiple issues. DJ Valentine, I

need you! DJ Valentine has issues. Hey kids,

I'm certainly DJ Valentine and I certainly have

issues. Analogy time, boys and girls. Hey, you

know the kid in class that just doesn't get it?

No matter how hard they study, no matter how

hard they try, they just don't get it. Fails

the quiz, fails the assignment, fails the class.

Warner Brothers DC isn't just that. Hey, you

know the guy who meets the girl, the girl he's

really into, a girl that appears to really be

into him? So he does what he can to solidify

that relationship, buys her flowers, wines and

dimes her, declares his feelings, but then, inexplicably,

in a moment of weakness, fucks her sister? Warner

Brothers DC isn't just that. You know the child

born of privilege? Silver spoon so far down his

fucking mouth it's coming out of his ass. With

all the opportunity and promise in the world,

no stress, no hardships, nothing but clear blue

sailing into becoming whatever he wants to be.

But what he ends up being is a charred corpse

wedged inside a smoldering sports car upside

down in a ditch along the French countryside

after a wild night of drugs, drinking, and unprotected

sex with some medium -priced hookers covered

in more sexual -transmitted abbreviates than,

say, a New Jersey public toilet. That's Warner

Brothers DC. A company that manages to not only

shoot themselves in the foot time and time and

time again, but have that bullet ricochet off

their metatarsal and fly back into their own

fucking temple. Been paying attention? Not just

recently. For decades now. What? What is wrong

with you all? Is your idiot brain getting fucked

by stupid? It's not rhetorical. Answer me. No.

My idiot brain is not getting fucked by stupid,

sir. Then go and do your only job and find out

what the fuck is going on, Ashley. Let me see

if I have this right. Forgive and bear with me.

The details may be a little foggy in my mind.

You asked Christopher Nolan to shepherd in this

new DC extended universe He flat -out says no

instead of having a follow -up to man of steel

or a film starring another character from DC

You know to perhaps world build a bit you Decided

to jump the gun in an effort to catch up to Marvel

and go directly to a Batman versus Superman movie

And you don't even call it versus you call it

Batman v Superman like it's a fucking court case

after that film underperforms like a middle -aged

man suffering from premature ejaculation, you

double down and greenlit a Justice League movie.

You fired Zack Snyder halfway through, cobbled

together this Justice League film with whatever

scraps he shot with the help of his replacement,

a dude so toxic now I'm not sure I can even say

his name on this channel even though I've said

fuck half a dozen times. After some fiasco with

Henry Cavill's mustache and some fan outcry,

you hire Snyder back dumped 70 million dollars

into essentially an assembly cut of all the footage

he shot, including added scenes where Jared Edel's

Joker implies Batman and him are fucking, then

Fire Snyder again, you informed the world that

Henry Cavill was out as Superman on Henry Cavill's

own fucking birthday, you cancelled the Batgirl

movie while one of the directors was at his own

fucking wedding. You hired Avery Duvernay to

do a New Gods movie, then cancel it because it

conflicted with Zack Snyder's Justice League

film, a film that you are now adamant to distance

yourself from. One of your executives was ousted

after promising roles to an actress in exchange

for sex. Two of the stars of your Justice League

film publicly reveal gross misconduct on the

set by the replacement director who shall not

be named. Another star of the Justice League

film is revealed to be a handsy kidnapping crazy

person run amok in Hawaii. Another star of the

Justice League film, and now Aquaman film, is

revealed in court to be an abusive liar who shit

on Edward Scissorhands' bed. You hired Matt Reeves

to do the Batman, lost him in the process due

to your attempt to wrestle away creative control,

caved and hired him back due to your fear of

fan backlash again. He then makes you arguably

the greatest Batman film ever, which currently

sits in your top 20 highest grossing films ever.

And you hem and haw about green lighting the

sequel and spinoff series. You canceled a Scooby

Doo movie for a cash grab. which I guess is apropos

since that is the motivation about 90 % of the

villains in every Scooby -Doo cartoon. And trust

me, I'm leaving shit out. It's all inconceivable.

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Wait till

I get going! You're folding up HBO Max, who most

think is the best streaming service, by the way,

into Discovery +, pulling back from scripted

content in favor of reality fucking TV shows?

Why, David Zaslov? Why? You know the thing that

they have in common. Since Man of Steel has come

out, we've had three presidents, one global catastrophe,

four Tom Brady Super Bowl wins, Lady Gaga became

a household name as a singer, then as an actress,

then by winning an Oscar, now by being cast as

Harley Quinn in the same DC fucking universe,

Wanda Maximoff the Scarlet Witch had enough exposure

in that time to be a villain, then a hero, then

get a TV show, then become a villain again in

somebody else's fucking movie. We've had more

Venom movies than Superman movies. We've had

more Ant -Man movies than Superman movies. We've

had more Suicide Squad movies than Superman movies.

We've had more Doctor Strange, Kick -Ass, Kingsman,

Miles Morales, and Spider -Man movies than Superman

movies. We've had more Rocky spinoff movies than

Superman movies. We've had more Ghostbuster reboot

movies than Superman movies. We've had more unbreakable

movies, like comic book movies, not based on

a comic book, but centered around deconstructing

what comic books are. You know, comic books like

Superman. More of those movies than Superman

movies. HOW IS SUPERMAN OF ALL PEOPLE IN HELL?

And why? Because Warner Bros. DC executives probably

don't know how to market him? Meanwhile Marvel

has figured out a way to market a talking fucking

tree and a raccoon So much so one has an animated

series coming out while the other is a central

focus of the trilogy ending third Guardians film

had a lot of folks try to kill me over the years

I ain't about to be brought down by a tree and

a talking raccoon. What's a raccoon? What's a

raccoon? It's what you are stupid ain't no thing

like me except me when the brothers DC Whatever

the fuck you're calling yourselves discovery.

I can't even make fun of you I'm worried. I don't

know if this is the Greek tragedy of Sisyphus

pushing a boulder up a hill in hell for all eternity

or Prometheus getting his liver eaten by crows

only to have it grow back to be eaten again.

What is this company? How can you be a fan of

it? Why? I'm admittedly a Marvel fan, despite

their problems, and there are many. I grew up

on Marvel, but I do love and respect most of

the characters in worlds and work done by Warner

Bros. DC in the past. I see the potential these

properties have. I just wish the people who owned

the rights to them did too. Suck it, Warner Bros.

Suck it. Wow, his words, not mine. But yeah,

suck it, Warner Bros. Literally, as I was rage

-recording this episode, Warner Bros. DC was

having their annual shareholders meeting announcing

things. One thing they announced that made me

laugh, other than women preferring unscripted

content over men, was they had a 10 -year plan

for their DC universe. Do you, yeah, you, listener

at home, think that anything these executives

promise is gonna come true in a decade? Do you

think these same executives will even still be

here in a decade? And even if you do, with the

track record this company has had in nearly two

decades, do you have any confidence whatsoever

that whatever universe they create will be...

good?