50th Anniversary Special

Oh. Is this thing on? Anyone there? Hello? Who?

Anyone hear me? No, I didn't order a pizza. What

about pizza? What? Turtle soup. What? I need

soup. I don't think that's what we're here for.

Somebody sounds like an old woman. Who let the

ladies in? Witsend! I haven't quite gotten my

my regimen of estrogen and testosterone kind

of figured out yet. Oh, it sounds like his balls

re -up themselves. More ascended as someone with

intelligence would say. We've been doing this

for a long time. I don't really think intelligence

is a part of this. When do we do it? When you're

80 something years old is it's total what? I

Wait, I have something written down here It says

hello and welcome to off the cuff episode 1250

for July 9th the year 2062 It's a long freaking

time This is a it says like yesterday. This is

I'm your host. Who's your host? Are you in the

host? I remember hostess Now I want a Twinkie

Ah, Twinkies. That's weird. I'm your host, Mike

Powers. Um, I've heard other voices, but they

may be in my head. Dan, are you out there? Ah,

yes. I... Yes, um, I'm out here John's are you

there? Oh I'm sorry. What was that? I think he

said I Think I think for the first time ever

we have Steve Megatron Phillips from geek cast

radio What the hell's a Megatron? I don't know,

I trapped that 20 years ago. I got sued by Hasbro.

They needed that last penny. They were like,

you're infringing, and I said, well, bite me.

And they killed the Geekcast Radio Network. And

what are we doing? I don't know why we're doing

podcasts. I'm doing holocaust now. So I show

up in places to scare the crap out of young people.

I thought you were gonna say small girls. Well,

that's only when I want to show up in places

that they don't want me. Mostly showers. Anything?

What? What? Well, I'll be back. I have to use

the bathroom. Oh. Should we all have done that

before we recorded? I'm doing it right now! His

pants are full. Not as full as they used to be.

We've been doing this for a long time. Too long.

Some might say. Who are you? How many of us are

here again? I can't count anymore. I Is Joe here?

Who's Joe? Didn't he die? I Think Joe's dead.

Oh, that's right. He got the yeah, you get that

Hawaiian shirt poisoning thing that was going

on in The Tommy Bahamas. The Tommy Bahama disease

took so many young men and older men like him.

And in the worst stages, you grow a grass skirt

at the end. Terrible, terrible way to go. It's

all thanks to those mutant mosquitoes. But he

died doing what he loved. School children. Because

he was a teacher, right? He was a creepy old

man. Not at the end. He just went to the schools.

Well, what a way to go. Buried in a pile of young

boys underwear. Oh, so let's talk about the surprise

announcement of the summer. Yeah, the big announcement.

The big announcement is we're. Due to the fact

that Gabe Newell finally died, they were able

to pull Half -Life 3 from his dead hands, and

they're finally gonna release it. We're finally

gonna find out what happened... ...almost, oh

god, what was it, 57 years ago? When they ended

Half -Life 2 Episode 2? Now we'll find out what

the cliffhanger is. I'm sure it'll be completely

worth the wait, just like Starcraft Ghost was

10 years ago. The problem with have like three

is it was completed fifty seven years ago, so

it's like playing that Nuke Duke em game That

came out fifty years ago. Oh, yeah, you come

Yeah, no new Duke em the one they they the Duke

Duke em game. They made with new Gingras starting

in it. I remember that Oh, the one with all the

boobies. Those conservatives really love them.

Oh, now you're just full of shit. You need to

go change your pants. You don't know what you're

talking about. It's okay. I'm wearing my Depends.

What does it depend on? Depends on how full it

gets. Don't force it. You'll hurt yourself again.

You're gonna go ring. I've already blown one

out I got a 12 pack in the back. I could just

put a new one in the new eye ring made by Apple

Yeah, it's like a Play -Doh fun Factory back

there with those irings. It's not it's not Apple

anymore you moron. It's called pear ink Thought

by now it'd be orchard. That's because everything

comes in pairs. They actually decided just to

buy the fruit of a loom company And they could

just be whatever fruit they want Those fruity

bastards gotta love them Yeah, I've heard insider

details though, they're gonna age the the main

hero To our ages now, they're gonna keep at it

is this he had got lost in a time vortex They've

actually replaced the crowbar with a cane Is

it too early to ask for an H? an HD remake of

have life 3 Real D I just want those pixels again

I just got my 7k TV installed the other day and

you're telling me there's an HD coming out? What

the hell is this HD technology? It's retro, man.

It's like... It's like the second coming of the

record. Oh, you people and your retro crap. All

they want us to do is stupid retro stuff. Oh,

it's in the past. Get over it. How did you survive

the hippie riots? One toke at a time. I just

walked around with a bag full of pot and I just

threw it away every single time they got near

me and they go after it. I mean, I just used

it as a defense mechanism. You have to hand it

to the government. I would have never thought

to use steam rollers in such a fashion. Well,

you know. It's a good thing we had games like

Left 4 Dead and Dead Rising to teach us how to

manage hordes. Yes, well, they certainly made

an impression. Mostly on the pavement. I've heard

pirate witches are going to be in the new Assassin's

Creed. I think you play as a pirate witch. My

bones can't take these games in him. These new

games. Everything's gotten so complicated. I

rue for the days that were as easy like when

Thief came back out in the PS4. Man, I wish we

could have those throwback mechanics. I never

liked FIFA. No thief thief. Yes FIFA the one

with the ball. I understand I think there was

a ball What Assassin's Creed are we up to now?

When did or do they just are we back around to

Assassin's Creed? I I think the new one takes

place in 2014 if I recall correctly I mean it

was a pinnacle of things going on because of

South Korea why they set a Assassin's Creed game

in South Korea. I'll never know I Really interested

how they're working out the fact that Kim Jong

-un is with the Templars. I think they're reaching

now. I think they're starting to run out of ideas

after about 60 of these things. Yes, you actually

play as President Putin. You're putting it in

what? Who? No, what are you putting it in? I

don't I don't understand the question. What game

are we talking about? What's the game it was

an equestrian game something about guys riding

horses bare -chested? Braveheart I've even watching

Braveheart again. I Do I do like me some Mel

Gibson, I mean, but it was a shame what happened.

Yeah To be go out sodomized by a group of angry

Jews, you would have never thought. On a cross,

no less. I know. They really nailed his ass on

that thing. I've never seen someone smile and

cry at the same time. Well, they nail your hands

down and then they nail you with their penises

right in your asshole the entire time. You're

bound to get some pleasure somewhere. Thank the

Lord that we have Mel Gibson Day. I'm just glad

it's a holiday. Yes, and it only comes four times

every few years. It's a really screwed up system.

Is it on February 29th? It is. It is. Mel Gibson

Day is what it used to be called. That joke is

dumb. February got extended to 31 days five years

ago. Wow, you know remember these things and

at least they finally eliminated that god -forsaking

daylight savings time because man I don't have

a light mandatory time So what systems do you

guys have in your house? Oh Excuse me. I'm sorry.

You're floating Sky Mansion well Currently in

the floating Sky Mansion. I have the um the uya

six why would you buy that because no one ever

saw it coming they took over everything it's

the most popular system now i mean after everybody

got burned out on the xboxes and ps4s and then

the fall of microsoft back in the mid 30s uh

i mean you know somebody had to step in and for

some reason the retro gamers decided to resurrect

the Ouya and it became so popular they brought

it back to the marketplace. And now, I mean,

it's so small and simplistic. I mean, all you

do is just stick your dick in the hole and then

you wiggle it around and you play the games with

your penis. I mean, pretty innovative. No, Ouya,

not your ma. Oh, I forgot, Sean. I've been banging

that corpse for years. Me too. It was a shame

about the steam box. I never knew children could

catch on fire like that. Well, that led to the

prohibition of video games. Dark days. The darkest

of dark days. We had to resort to making bathtub

games. That was the... The heyday of the indie

games. It's the day the indie games took over.

Sony sold many a rubber duck after the prohibition

took effect. Oh, I love that. It was such a good

game. Sitting there playing nothing but tech

demos. Ah, it's the worst. In your closet? Yes.

Your soundproof closet with a little candlelight

so no one could hear or see what you were doing.

Yeah. That's a bit like a fire hazard, but it's

okay. He's retarded. My favorite Prohibition

area era game, though, was definitely Anne Frank.

I mean, I really connected with that Anne Frank

game when she was hiding in her attic while I

was hiding in my closet and we were both trying

to be quiet. And all you do is sit there and

watch her and not touch your controller. And

if you touch it, the Nazis kill her. I love the

integration with the Oculus Rift. Oh, yes. Very

depressing. The part where you get to lift up

your skirt and looking at your yu -ha, you know,

and there's pretty fantastic though. Hmm. And

Frank's up skirt. You guys are sick. Nothing

like historical dead figures and their naughty

bits. What's the longest you've ever worn your

your rift? Well, we're in it right now. I'm just

taking it off in like six years. I Don't even

know what it looks like outside No outside still

I was gonna say since Since the Microsoft scorched

the sky on the last day that they were open I

didn't really think there's much of a point of

looking outside anymore, but boy it was one hell

of an ad Mmm, it was I was really they inadvertently

blew up their headquarters announcing Halo 9

see that was that was the end of the prohibition

They were like we need to end this Or we will

burn the sky And so they decided to end prohibition

But unfortunately since the countdown clock was

running on Windows 12 They couldn't stop it Cuz

man go figure something in a Windows based system

doesn't work out down programs Didn't work right

on Windows 12 and the sky was burned No sad buttons

died It's okay though because Activision bought

what was left of Microsoft And it was resurrected

as Wind Vision. Ah, those were the days. Call

of Halo. I do love me some Call of Halo. That

was some good times. That's all Halo is missing.

There was nothing like that 128 versus 128 multiplayer

online. Yes, and when they decreased the lag

time to 30 second intervals, it was fantastic.

I think the Titanfall expansion pack was a little

much though. Titan Winter. You don't really want

to cram an entire game into another game. Oh,

that reminds me of what special night with dinner.

It was like one of those seven layer burritos.

Every time you peel back a layer, there is another

crappy nostalgia portion to that game. And when

they started just. dropping movie characters

in that game. Man, it just really kind of lost

where it was going. George Clooney bit it for

me. I was done. The Ocean's 12 pack was just

a little weird, but I do like playing as a Matt

Damon. Only God rest his soul. It's only fun

playing with the Matt Damon character in Call

of Halo when you have the board identity hack

mod. Enabled no one would have ever thought that

Affleck would have killed him in the end. Yeah,

well When the Batman indeed It didn't really

surprise anybody especially after they found

that Group of hookers all stuffed in his mattress

and his trailer I heard it was a very uncomfortable

place like the back of a Volvo all those little

itty -bitty Male Puerto Rican prostitutes all

stuffed in a mattress. Felipe, we miss you. They

died with their asses up in the air, but freedom

in their hearts. Sperm in their bellies. Puerto

Ricans. Puerto Ricant at that point. That's right,

because men... I can't do much when you get a

belly full of cum and you're face down and okay,

so What's happened in the last 50 years so far?

We've got Microsoft or Activision by Microsoft.

Sorry, we've got prohibition We have Microsoft

burning the sky to end prohibition. Ah, don't

forget about the end of racism and then The bringing

back of racism to keep everybody down because

everybody was too happy. Hold on a minute. I'm

not doing my bullet points. Oh, I'm sorry. I

forgot. I'm getting ahead of myself. I want to

make sure that the listeners know what we're

talking about, even though I don't know what

we're talking about. I don't know who you are.

Wait a second. Do we need? Hello and welcome

to off the cuff episode. 1250. Thank you for

listening to the lunchroom. No. Why would you

bring up the lunchroom? No, nobody listens to

the lunchroom. I mean, that's why we stopped

doing the lunchroom. Nobody nobody even remembers

the lunchroom. Why would you bring up that awful

time in my life? Oh, no, he's going to get depressed

again. Oh, good. Great now he's gonna cry for

20 minutes 20 minutes of happiness in my life

John Z You still got that you got that package.

I sent you Yes, I I sleep next to it every night.

I have you opened it Yes, I was very touched.

Thank you Jump in the box. Have you seen how

fat I've gotten? I'm not jumping into anything

I made sure it was a big box of razor blades

this time. I mean I Don't jump. I gave it up

in 2000. You just put it on the floor By your

bed, and you just roll your fat ass over it.

Can I use my rascal? All right, so here we go

Dude a video game over saturation of violence.

There was a prohibition Microsoft ended the prohibition

by burning the sky. Activision buys Microsoft

and becomes Wind Vision. What happens to Sony?

I can't remember what happened to Sony. Are they

still around? Yeah, Sony's still around. They're

one of the few constants for some reason. Oh,

that's right. I have my PS9 in my eyeball. That's

right. I always forget to turn it on it interferes

with the oculus rift Yeah, well you get you get

feedback when you get the two ocul things going

on at the same time There's there's drops for

that though. Sometimes I see things like dead

people Sometimes I see things like cataracts

If you're if you're seeing dead people, um, are

you are you playing a game? I don't think so.

Are you playing Dead Souls 12 right now? That

game is so hard. That game made me want to kill

myself. That's actually when you make it to the

end of the game, you do kill yourself. Is that

the only way? Spoiler alert! Oh, sorry guys.

Spoiler alert. I can't. I wonder how many people

are going to die now. Take your pills take your

pills Take your erectile dysfunction anti -coffee

Otherwise known as the power pill. Oh, I do love

me some power pill mmm, I Like the power pill

suppositories a lot more though, especially in

my age It's kind of hard to choke down a pill

speaking of Sony that last Guardian was shit

It was. I mean, waiting 20 years for something

like that to come out and then not even updating

the graphics from the original PS2 build. At

least they didn't lie. They said it was still

in development. Well, I mean, they really stuck

to IGN with that one. They didn't tell you that

development was the name of the Puerto Rican

they were smuggling it in. Back to Mel Gibson.

Who? IGN. The I Go Nuts Network. Isn't that an

asylum? Um, no. I'm pretty sure that's the TV

review place where all they do is run around

with their nuts hanging out of their pants. I

think that's - That's my favorite program. I

think that's health coverage for insane people.

That dude is explaining why they tried to draw

my blood while I was there. Hmm. Usually they

don't use straws. Yeah, well. The way these veins

work nowadays straws work just fine speaking

of blood Has anyone seen a vampire lately? Most

of them are playing World of Warcraft 7 They

just stay inside all day getting paid to farm

gold because they never have to sleep Die and

then they give them, you know young Puerto Ricans

to feed off of Can we leave the Puerto Ricans

alone? Come on. They're the 51st state. Get over

it. They're not going anywhere. They brought

them in because the vampire nation needed food

and they didn't want to give them money of the

real blooded Americans. Because we all taste

like cheese whiz. It was really interesting what

happened to Nintendo though. Who? Who is this?

Ah, it's, it's art. You had to fart? Um, ah.

Well, wait, there's too many voices in my head.

Maybe you should take your pills or your power

pill drink heavily. I have an IV I can't drink.

Put it on the IV. Put it on the IV. That's how

I like to take my my extra regulars. What was

that noise it reminded me of my younger days

of texting mmm texting I don't text anymore.

I just blink at people Somehow somehow that works

It's the eye blink How do you order anything

at Taco Bell like that? It's all the same it

doesn't matter. Yeah, I just say something Mexican

and they bring me something I just think it's

amazing the demolition man got it right in the

fact that there's nothing but Taco Bell's in

the future and there's no other fast food places.

I wish they had left the shells. The fact that

the taco burgers are a little weird. So what

happened to Nintendo? Someone was going to say

what happened to Nintendo. So. It was really

interesting back in the 2030s when Nintendo finally

reached a partnership with Sega and they formed

to create a new company. It was a little unfortunate

the name of their system, though. I don't think

it really floated well. Let's just bring that

down for a second. That's like one cripple helping

another cripple. Wow. Or two wrongs making a

right. But it didn't make a right. It's amazing

how a business plan can be formed off of something

like an Olympic game because of a partnership.

I don't know. Oh, screw the Olympics. When was

the last time anyone watched the Olympics? Nobody

watches the Olympics anymore. When they started

doing them every year, nobody gave a crap about

it. Let's go in the way of the WNBA and the XFL.

Towards steroids? Lots of steroids. Those bitches

were huge. They just kept running around saying

snooze. It's when they started letting the super

mutants start playing and they just started ripping

people's arms off. It just kind of went downhill.

OK, all right. Now I know you're just recalling

an episode of Fusarama. Nothing you said actually

happened. What's this Futurama you speak? You

are delusional, sir. They now run it as Pastorama.

Oh, it's one of those retro classics that they're

always playing in reruns. Everybody has these

fond memorias. Just because it's on Naked Night

does not make it old. Well, that and Arrested

Development reruns on all the damn time. God,

people get over it. The show's over. I mean,

God. Sean still curious on about fucking firefly

almost every other day and that shows been off

the air for like 70 years You can't take the

sky from me God Should go up to Valhalla where

they bury Nathan Fillion Jesus go kiss his ass.

I Hear he's the new Green Lantern What? Oh, that's

right in your bringing people back with holographs

and redoing them in movies Movies have gone downhill

now that they started recycling actors and plots

Yeah It's pretty sad I Do appreciate the fact

that they recognize video games as art now and

they actually are competing against movies for

best actor and best creation But what's weird

is where do you see them in a museum? Yeah, and

you see them on that and they're framed and they're

moving. And then there's the thing that we used

to call art sitting next to it, and it's so static

and boring. Yeah. I think to the art exhibit

where Master Chief's teabagging the Mona Lisa

was a little inappropriate, but, you know, to

each other. Mona Lisa wasn't very enthusiastic.

I didn't like that. She wasn't moaning. She's

got a very unnatural smile on her face. I don't

think a person can make that look on their face.

She's hiding something. Yeah. Besides the Master

Chief's nuts in her mouth. No. Space nuts. Who

are you? What are we doing again? What room is

this? What episode is this? Why am I handcuffed

to this desk? Welcome to the pull bag. Wait,

what? What are we doing? Hello and welcome to

the lunchroom episode 5. No, we've already established

it. This isn't the lunchroom. I think we're...

Oh, God. What are we? I think we're doing Altered

Geek. Hello and welcome to Altered Geek Unlimited

Limited. Indefinitely. Forever, Zeese. I Think

I think my depends is full now Well, it really

depends. Oh, it's squishy Hello and welcome to

the world according to art and Mike Then who

am I? You're not included in this one. Who are

you? Yeah, I don't know No, great. It's that

guy is the guy who doesn't know who he is. Oh

my gosh Remember that guy's there God, he just

always shows up every single week I Think it's

that Puerto Rican kid. I accidentally hit with

my car six years ago They said I couldn't drive

anymore and they said I needed to get rid of

my license but new I Decided it's much better

to decide that, you know Let's thin out the hurt

a little bit Still no hover cars kind of upset

about that. Yeah, who can afford a hover car?

people living on the moon God Speaking of video

games is actually being considered art now about

that uncharted. Oh my gosh Still don't get it.

You're still an idiot. You don't like anything

I like plenty of things. Just because Joe disappeared

because he was kidnapped by a Hawaiian shirt

does not give you the right to take over his

personality. I'm pretty sure he was killed by

a Hawaiian shirt, not kidnapped by one. I thought

he was taken. Uh, from us, you boob. Liam Neeson's

been dead for like 40 years. Lost him to that

tragic accident that also took Mel Gibson. You

took my Gibson I'm sorry. It's really hard to

hear you over this crappy Skype connection. Oh

I don't know how we got this stuff to work. I

don't even know how Skype even exists now I'm

not used to talking with my voice. I think the

only reason it exists is because they keep putting

them on the new wind visions Those things keep

getting bigger and bigger. I swear the last one

I had I now live in it You saw I was gonna say

you saw the new and Nintendo system. They're

releasing they announced at e3 is the size of

an outhouse All the entire inside of it is just

one giant screen and he can't even play multiplayer

with people It's like and it's not even HD. Oh

Never gonna be HD What's HD? I thought we hit

demand hit demand hit demand hit demand hit demand

Yeah, rise up my brothers. All right I'm gonna

go get some water. I'll be right back. Don't

say anything without me Well, I don't know I

I don't even know who that was I don't even know

who you are Sean, it's me. I remember the guy

that, hey, didn't you hear the announcement at

E3 last month about the new Saints Row? If I

recall correctly, you really enjoyed that game.

Oh, it's the best game. All of the art feels

so good. I'm so excited Supposedly, it's the

exact same as the last game that came out, but

there's three new costumes So it's like an entirely

different game No, no, no not costumes palette

swaps much better. Oh Yes, yes, and I think there's

a new skin that goes over the entire city. Wait

a second. I Think somebody's at the door I think

I just puked on my keyboard. Are you guys belating

each other? You still use keyboards? Well, we

had to break out this old stuff. I'm not going

to break. I'm not going to use it anymore now

that I puked on it. Hang on a second. Hang on.

I have to I have to go to the bathroom. There's

a lot of blood in this. Going to the bathroom

sounds an awful lot like opening a beer can.

I had to open my ass. Wow. Oh, you got one of

those pull tab bottles. I got a pull tab, baby.

Pull tab. It's like one of those old school Paps

cans. I miss having to open a pop can. Yeah.

It's not as fun how the replicators came along

and they just pour that shit right in your mouth.

Never tasted as good as it did when it was coming

out of a can. It all started with those damn

freestyle machines. It was all downhill after

that. It was. You shut your whore mouth. Just

because you married a freestyle machine doesn't

mean you get to yell at us. I can do whatever

I like and you will leave Frida out of this.

Can you believe it? He can marry a freaking robot

pop machine, but a guy still can't marry his

neighbor. I know, but I mean, seriously, you

wonder why that dude is so fat and has diabetes

because he's sucking off his wife all the time.

Well, I got tired sucking off of yours. Well,

it just your union, sir, bothers me to no end.

It's unnatural. Marriage is between a man and

a woman or a man and a man or a man and a cephalopod

or a man and a centipede or a man and a horse

or a man and a sheep or a man but never a man

and a machine. That are just jealous is all and

you're disgusting You're just upset that I can

turn my wife on with a simple plug -in of a cord

You can really turn it on just by plugging her

in yes, that's all it takes Yes, stay strong

dinner. I take back everything I said that I

think that sounds like a fantastic idea I'm trading

mine in for a new model No You just set us back

50 years Well, thank God 50 years wasn't that

long ago So How often do you get a refiller?

Oh I refill her a couple of times a night if

you know what I'm saying You're I don't you're

lying sir. There's my not enough Pills on the

market To do that for you. She I don't know if

I refreshment It's like a never -ending circle

of awesome sauce Sometimes you just let her stand

over top of you and just pour refreshments all

over your body Sometimes she even freaky with

the ice cubes How freaky Have you ever had raspberry

juice on your nipples sir hello and welcome to

off the cuff episode 1250 I am your host as I

have been for the last 50 years Michael Powers

and I'm joined this week by Arthur Danner who?

and Sean Z Brown? Woohoo! They're not brown,

I just checked, but they might be in a bit. You

guys are disgusting. And this has been the 50th

anniversary episode. Oh my gosh, that's right.

I can't believe I forgot that. Forgot what? Our

presents? there's presents right there's presents

this is our anniversary i didn't get you anything

what anniversary is it i think this is the paper

anniversary the anniversary of the paper yes

the anniversary of paper i'm pretty sure paper

was born 50 years ago no 50 years ago is when

it died It's oh that's when print media died

that's it rose like the Phoenix And then immediately

burst into flame because it was in fact paper

That's sad Try your tears on this paper napkin.

Oh wait There isn't any well. I don't know about

you guys, but I'm gonna have to go soak my dentures

soon Was gonna say it's getting to the point

where I mean it's past dinnertime Yes, it's 330

in the afternoon. I know it's it's almost 4 and

I and I go to bed at 4 I get cranky after after

I watch hey my arm is taking my reruns of Arrested

Development My arm is tingling What? What? Did

desert chest Possibly hurt a little bit with

that tingling arm. Oh it is now. Can you taste

toast? You need to eat a baby aspirin. You should

get a baby aspirin. I can't I I can't get to

the door. Oh god. Oh it hurts. Oh it hurts. Um.

Mike? You there? Mike? Hello? Hello? Sean Yes,

I think I think Mike's dead Mike I don't want

to keep living it was both ninja both Tendo Both

Tendo keep living without them I'm using my package

goodbye cruel world oh balls I was just messing

with you guys oh wait John I'm back. What'd I

miss? Hello? Guys? Oh shit.