Transformers 30th Anniversary, The Transformers Live-Action Bayverse Review

You're listening to all things transformers version

2 .0 You're not getting a Porsche. Let me tell

you something, son. A driver don't pick the cars.

Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between

man and machine. civilization far superior to

our own. Our enemy can take any shape. They could

be anywhere. It's a robot. You know, like the

super advanced. Robot, it's probably Japanese

And welcome to All Things Transformers, episode

42. I'm your host, Steve Megatron Phillips, and

joining me again this week is the same panel

as last week. That's right. We're all here. I'm

still here. I still have pants. Hey, how's it

going? Wow. I do not have pants. This week we

are here to talk about the Bayverse. The Michael

Bay Transformers live -action movies. The first

thing I want to say about this whole debacle

of a franchise is that... It's terrible. No.

In the immortal words of Sam Witwicky... No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no! Or Admiral Ackbar. It's a trap! It's a trap!

Sam Witwicky did not say it's a trap, though,

although I might feel better about the whole

thing if he had. No. Okay, the one thing I will

say that yes, these movies make a lot of fucking

money. Yes That's right. Yes These movies get

the mainstream audience to notice the brand of

Transformers Yes, Michael Bay doesn't give a

shit about the fans for the most part. And you

act surprised about any of these revelations?

No, no, not at all. When your money makes more

money than God you can thumb your nose at the

fans as well. And that's what he basically said

after this film came out and everybody started

bashing it. I will say that the second film and

the third film do have a number of G1 references.

The second film is essentially the G1 episode

of The Solar Needle. Yeah, there's only one reference

in the fourth film. There are no redraws. There's

this and that, but I'll pick at it later. I really

sat through that with a fucking, you know, notepad

writing shit down on me. I watched it on the

internet because it wasn't worth going to see.

And I agree with you, I should have done that

too, but I had a free ticket and it was the critic

viewing. Okay, if it's free ticket and you have

a critic view, then yeah, I would have gone.

To see it three days before everyone else, I'll

dig that. All right, so when we back in 2007

oh my god, I know I seven children were born

About Transformers the movie at that time I wasn't

even podcasting back then I think my child was

born There you go kids about seven now, which

one Gavin or Aiden Aiden was born in 2007. Well,

no Aiden will be Aiden No, I think he was born

get this right now and I gotta think about I

think he was born in 2006 because Yeah, I'm pretty

sure yeah because he was I'm trying to remember

in 2008 he was He was two in 2000 almost. Yeah.

Anyway, anyway, so worst father ever. Yeah. Yes.

Yes you are so was highly skeptical I saw the

trailer and I as much as I love Peter Cullen

as much as I love him his voicing his voice is

Optimus Prime first of all you don't fucking

have mr. Smith from the Matrix movies as Megatron

that's just wrong in oh so many levels especially

when he growls and doesn't give a rat's ass about

anything he's actually cast in He's just a big

money whore you know if if That's why in like

Captain America. He's like fuck that. I'm not

coming back and then Transformers. He's like

fuck that. I'm not coming back if If you go weaving

Were around when they were casting a certain

Bat signal film in 2005 I could really see him

as It's the Christian Bale Batman, but that's

a whole other show. You know His voice grew on

me after a while. I still don't like it the first

film I Saw it in theaters. It was all right Megan

Fox is one of the ugliest women on earth All

right, you're you gonna screw this dude, but

no She's a horrible actress, but I don't know

about ugly she's she's good -looking, but she's

a terrible actress. She's great for porn, you

know Well, she did audition by washing Michael

Bay's car so there you go I think it's the...

I don't know if it was the way the second film

was shot or whatever else, but the whole scene

with her putting her hands over her mouth when

they're hiding, the only thing I can think of

is that Seinfeld episode with that chick with

man hands. Yeah, she has horrible hands. That

one thumb that looks like it. The first film...

They... Try to build character for humans, but

they build it so poorly Shia LaBeouf can't act

his way out of a paper bag He was fine on the

eve. He was fine when he was a Disney Channel

star Now that he's in all these big budget blockbuster

movies he Finish your thought and I'll he just

does saving it all in He just doesn't Doesn't

act properly and like Michael said earlier is

like no no all he does in these three films is

scream whine bitch and complain No, no no no

no That was bad pun, but um He had more emotion

and more more range than two of the characters

specifically in the new film Because honestly,

I couldn't tell you anything about them Really

siding with movie revolt Dan on Shia LaBeouf

versus Mark. No, I'm talking about the other

two the Jack Rainer and the other chick that

didn't do anything Like she was worse than Megan

Fox and the underwear model that was in the third

one But uh Mark Wahlberg I say is better for

the action aspect of it But he's playing the

same character he plays in everything else. I

mean, it's really no different. This will get

to the fourth film later, but the. The first

film, the first film, I think, was kind of monumental

and instrumental to bring. The revival of Transformers,

much in the vein of how I mean, granted, it went

in a totally bad shit, terrible direction after

this. Granted, I wasn't. Perfectly thrilled with

everything in this film, but it didn't leave

a sour taste in my mouth like the rest of the

films have But it did what Beast Wars did for

the franchise back in the 90s is it revived it

So I mean, it's III and I love the fact that

they gave us the the nod of bringing Cohen back

And he was still pretty close to his original

Optimus Prime before they mutated him You can

only die so many times before you don't come

back as the same person Proceed What about you

Michael with the first film? What were your initial

thoughts? Well, I was at BotCon I forget it had

to have been 2007 Well, yeah, yeah, it had to

have been 2007. Yeah, but I was at the BotCon

Well, they actually showed us the movie a few

days earlier And they had two separate theaters.

And in my theater, Tyrese Gibson came in. Yep.

And waved and said, hey, everybody. And then

I think he left. But he may have sat down and

watched the movie. I don't know. He went to the

dealer room after, actually. Did he? OK, there

you go. Because it was probably a ghost town,

right? Yeah, it was. It really was. Yeah. But

we watched the movie as a group of Transformer

fans. Everybody loved it. It was I mean even

Even Shia Labeouf, you know, I mean it was like

hey, this is great. This is a start of something

new and very interesting and and you know Optimus

Prime says freedom is the right of all sentient

beings and everybody freaks out, you know everyone

in the theater knew the characters and Sheered

as the right point and and yeah, and everyone

enjoyed it at the same time point It wasn't the

same vibe when I saw it in a in a different theater

with a different group of people So when I saw

for the first time it was like wow, that's amazing.

That's incredible when I saw it with my aunt

Smaller venue. It was like yeah. Okay. This is

alright, you know, and I didn't grow to dislike

the the the Sam character until at least the

second movie and then the third movie just kind

of killed it for me I mean that this character

is Entitled hyperactive just obnoxious to a fault

and it's just no fun watching him do his thing.

To the point where I was watching the third movie

with my kids today and it's like, wait a minute,

let me get this straight now. He's sleeping with

a supermodel but he can't get a job and he's

whining because he saved the world twice. I'm

just, I can't relate to this guy. I just have

no point of contact here with this guy at all.

I don't I don't get it. I'm very confused as

to what's going on. You whiny son of a bitch.

It's like you just want to smack him and say

shut up. It's like just yeah, I I'm told because

I haven't actually seen the new movie yet, but

I'm told that there is a marked improvement in

the franchise without Shia LaBeouf. Yes, there

is because they get rid of let's see here's the

thing and then I'll let Proto Man go because

I know Proto Man has a lot to say about The first

one I don't have much but it's afterwards, but

yeah, yeah With the new one with the current

fourth film Michael Bay pretty much there is

comedy in it, but it's not the revenge of the

fallen comedy. They pretty much It's bad sodomy.

No lubrication of this one. Stop it. There is

a comedic sidekick in the very... Shut up, Megatron.

There is a comedic sidekick in the very beginning

of the movie, but he dies instantly. So Michael

Bay basically kills off the human sidekick. He

turns him into liquid energon. Let's put it this

way, when that happened, I turned to my friend

and I said, thank fucking God. Because I was

like, if this son of a bitch is gonna be in the

movie for the next three hours, I'm gonna lose

my shit. But anyways. It's gonna be like Shia's

roommate in the second film. I was gonna say,

Shia's roommate. Why was that character even

in there? It was gonna be worse though. He plays

annoying, like, really well. Yeah, he's playing

Sam Witwicky. This is what we do to Sam in the

fourth movie. We just obnoxious, entitled, and

hyperactive to kill that fucker. Well, he was

a plot hitter and he got incinerated. Awesome.

Talk about lighting up. But back to like the

first movie, though, it's like what happened

to Jazz? Jazz had two lines and then he got ripped

in half. what's up little bitches yeah i said

what up bitches and he goes what a piece of me

and megatron says how about two it breaks him

in half not that that's not awesome but the fact

that he has no lines he was one of my favorite

characters from g1 i mean scatman crothers you

can't you can't beat that and instead they they

kind of waste this really good character and

the crazy thing is It's friggin Eddie from the

Urkel show from the 90s. It's Darius McCrary

voicing jazz Family matters. Yeah, I couldn't

tell because he only had two lines Literally

had ten words in the whole movie All right, proto

man. What about the first first movie? I went

into it Open -minded I was like, you know what

this could go really good This could totally

bury everything. As I like to say, this could

have speed racered. This could have just... And

don't get me wrong, I love the speed racer movie,

but it's like, here's your chance to save everything

and you have all the budget going for you, you

got everything. You got Michael Bay, you got

the money, you got this, you got that, you got

Steven Spielberg executive. If this doesn't go

well, there's no saving you. So I was like, this

is now or never. And this is me not knowing.

What would come? I mean, now that we know all

that we know, it's different. But back then,

I went into it, not knowing, open -minded. And

I sat next to my buddy, and we saw the three

-day screening ahead of time, and the BotCon

one, which was actually, because it was funny,

I went to see the BotCon one, and then when I

got home from BotCon, I had the three -day advance

screening, so I saw it the day I got back from

BotCon. Cool. So I got to an extra... I got to

see it first with the fans, but unfortunately

with the fans it was so loud that I couldn't

get a proper gauge of it, but when I saw it again

with my buddies afterwards at the critic screening,

TFCon we always get tickets from Hasbro, so we

always get critic screenings. I was able to focus

more the second time, so I think the second time

was when I really got to think properly. The

first time I saw it, everything was awesome,

to not quote Lego. But it really was. Everything

was awesome. Everything that happened, everything,

it didn't matter. I was like, oh my god, I was

just happy to get anything that was awesome.

The second time I saw it with my buddies and

we left, I started to really pick it apart. I

was like, you know what? The beginning of the

movie, totally Spielberg. It's boy gets his car.

There's characterization. There's humor. It was

funny and not in a toilet way. it was it was

a you know there's a lot of it you know there's

a lot of you know what would Jesus do you know

and and can bring him to portion not there was

a lot of it that was funny that was enjoyable

and Sam's parents up to this point weren't frickin

annoying yet rail we weren't we weren't sick

of seeing Sam's parents after at this point we're

still enjoying them they were kinda cut funny

and quirky like meeting annoying parents for

the first time you know then when the Transformers

are introduced when we're first introduced to

bumblebee and then Barricade and I mean the slow

touches of here's here's blackout and stuff any

little piece We got we dug it we were like, oh,

you know after that first blackout scene at the

opening of the movie And then it goes all black

before it goes to Sam the whole audience was

kind of like whoa, you know, like Yeah, okay,

you know like a little tea a little, you know,

just they just put the head in just a little

bit You know, it's a little bit of a tease, you

know But it built up to it. And then when the

arrival of the Autobot scene came, and to me

that was the turning point of the fandom in general,

as a casual and as a whole, was the arrival of

the Autobot scene was magical. And that's coming

from me, like who hates a lot of this franchise

of the movies. But the arrival of the Autobot

scene was like, to me when that was happening,

in my mind it was like, we did it. We did it.

We got it. Because it was just like, all this

time, all this talk, all these rumors of the

movie and how it would happen, not happen. And

that scene with Steve Jabowski, whatever his

name is, composing with the music, it was magical.

It was absolutely magical with Ironhide coming

out of the swimming pool, freaking Jesus -like

anthem. It was a very magical scene, and to me

it was like, we did it, we're here, we got it.

Optimus coming out of the smog, the first transformation,

Jazz doing the freaking break dance transformation,

we got it. It's good. What's cracking little

bitches? Not Scatman, black enough, we got it.

It was doing it for me. It was really doing it

for me, this movie. There was just enough. Now

granted, not enough robots as I would have liked,

but it was doing it just enough for my very low

make or break expectations that this movie could

totally go wrong and ruin everything and will

have no Transformers. And I mean, up to this

point, G .I. Joe was dead in the water in terms

of animation and story. Everything kind of went

bad. You know, so for me it was like, this has

to be good. This has to be even relatively good.

And it was. The final battle in Mission City,

just good enough. Just good enough. Just enough

Transformers. Just enough character development.

Bumblebee losing his legs, handing the AllSpark

to Sam. You pitying Bumblebee in pain. Just enough

to say, we got it, you know? And then the final

scene. Jazz gets ripped in half. I didn't...

Expect that I actually yelled. Oh shit in the

theater when I saw that I was like, oh wow I

did not expect them to kill an Autobot I didn't

I was actually I was expecting this cast to maybe

continue like most other franchises would if

not to just fade into the background No ripped

in half. I was like, oh shit, you know like Awesome.

Hey, just like that you get a you get a PG rating

instead of a G rating, you know Well, that's

just it. So I was like, okay, this is good movie

ends AllSpark, you know, kind of a cop -out,

Death or whatever. Soundtrack was good. Action

was good enough. It just did enough to make me

go, all right, we did it. This is good. Now that

we got the framework, $700 million worldwide,

toys selling like crazy, me seeing it three other

times afterwards. Imagine, I saw it four times

in theaters. It did it for me. It did it. It

worked. And I thought, it could only get better.

It's gonna be - This is the setup I'm doing here.

This is the setup. It could only get better.

Now that we have the groundwork, now that we

have every mom, every girlfriend, every son of

a bitch on the planet, knowing what Transformers

are, and see - My mom would never fucking see

Transformers in theater. But she went to see

the Bay one, because it was a live action movie.

My girlfriend would never fucking sit down for

a Transformers movie unless I forced her to show

the 86 movie. But they fucking saw - that time

many times and every other casual every other

fucker on Facebook who was who I was friends

with would have never sat as watched anything

transformers but they saw that goddamn movie

and they came back and they went on their fucking

wall back in 2007 said oh my god I saw an amazing

fucking movie This movie set the groundwork.

It made everyone understand what I was obsessing

over. And again, after this movie came out, I

was in the newspaper, I was on television twice,

and TFCon exploded. It did everything for us.

That's why I appreciate the 2007 movie, because

of everything that it has done and it gave me

hope. It gave me so much hope, because it was

just good enough a movie to give me hope. Then

it's 2009. Let's take it away. I was gonna say

let's let's go to 2009. Let's talk about Was

all of Hollywood on the writers strike or were

there some pockets of that late? 2008 the writer

strike happened and that that affected a lot

of movies It wasn't just revenge of the fallen

a lot of movies got boned big time. A good example,

they were working on the Astro Boy movie. That

got pushed back and so a lot of ways the Astro

Boy movie kind of suffered for it. A lot of animation

movies got failed for it. A lot of comedies actually

got scrapped completely and never happened and

then actors had to get reallocated different

areas. It screwed up a lot of things. But what

killed me the most was the fact that Orsi and

Kurtzman, the original writers, When they had

to write when the writer strike finished they

had four months left and they were approached

They said here's two movies. You're going to

be writing Star Trek and Revenge of the Fallen

now Orsi and Kurtzman are two hardcore trekkies

or trekkers not to be derogatory You know, and

they love Star Trek. Now imagine it's the same

thing with you. Imagine you were approached and

they say you could write the Transformer movie

and you're gonna be writing the Mask movie. Now,

you have four months. Which one are you gonna

put all your time and effort into? Obviously

the one that you love more. So they put a lot

of focus and a lot of time into that Star Trek

movie and then... This is an extra from Revenge

of the Fallen. Michael Bay even said it himself.

He put them in a hotel room, gave them anything

they wanted, and they literally churned out a

script in a week and a half. And that says a

lot about... That's also why Orsi and Kurtzman

didn't come back, because they got a lot of guff

for it. But that says a lot about what we're

going to be talking about right now. Revenge

of the Fallen. Oh, boy. First of all in the first

movie one thing we didn't bring up is Simmons.

I as much as I love What's his name? John's as

much as I love John Titoro. I'm gonna say John

Malkovich. Holy crap as much as I love John Titoro

He should not have been in this franchise at

all. I think he was being wasted I think as much

as his acting ability. He is same thing with

John Voight where it's just kind of like What

are you doing here? All we hear is this sound.

Yeah. So it's just one of those things that,

I mean, for a Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox, the

movie is good enough for them, for newcomers

and stuff. Good actors were wasted. Well, you

have to have those guys in there for gravitas,

though. Yeah, totally. To even movie any credit

at all, you know? Yeah. So, but continue. So,

2009 happened, Revenge of the Fallen happened,

they set up this character, the Fallen, he's

one of the Primes, one of the Thirteen, but obviously

he was the one that went rogue and killed all

the Primes, and... The one thing I don't like

about the Bay movies is that they basically,

most, at least we'll get to the third and the

fourth one, they basically say, oh hey, guess

what, this isn't really how... Conspiracy. Yeah,

and then that goat that is the common theme among

all four movies, but we'll get to that. Yeah

The second movie I could have done without Totoro

as Simmons altogether. I find the character annoying

as all hell I could have done without seeing

his ass on a you know, 50 foot hundred foot fucking

screen Could have done without Devastator balls

like seriously really come on That's right the

the twins weren't as Annoying as I as I read

that they were going to be everyone on the internet

said oh my god these guys are gonna be so annoying

and They weren't they were annoying. I'm not

saying they weren't but they weren't like Oh

my god, these things are worse than, you know,

the sweetest rabbit cartoon series you could

ever, it just, no. You didn't find them to be

racist and overstated? Well, that's kind of the

point, isn't it? The point was to be racist?

We don't like to read racist? See, I thought

it was, we don't like to read part was more than

being lazy than anything else but uh so so from

the first movie to the second movie you now have

the Autobots and the humans working together

the Fallen comes down Megatron's his bitch which

should never happen never happen What else happens

in this we basically have like I said, I think

I said this off air But we basically have Michael

Bay the one major Transformers reference that

I caught in this movie outside of like little

nods and stuff the one major plot point reference

He basically watched the g1 episode where Megatron

has the solar needle and basically ripped that

off I don't know Steve Revenge of the Fallen

Dogs not It was a nice person mess piece of garbage

film Another ooh prime dies another ooh Megatron

gets his ass kicked after getting rebuilt Seems

to be a theme with Michael Bay throughout these

films prime gets ass kicked and blown away Prime

gets rebuilt Megatron gets his ass blown away

Megatron gets rebuilt And then it's I feel like

it's the same damn film film over and over and

over and then they create a new MacGuffin that's

that's magically Transformers lore like oh the

all spark which is essentially like, you know

supposed to be like the matrix of you know, the

creation matrix of essence or whatever and You

know then the second film we got the matrix of

leadership or you know what and then the third

or you know They they have the the space needle

You know, and then the fourth one, we have the

seeds. We're going to plant Cybertron. It's going

to grow. You know, just I mean, I was thinking,

oh, it's Jack and the Beanstalk. We're going

to climb up and see Cybertron. And then there's

going to be all kinds of robots coming down and

they're going to squish the humans. And, you

know, but I mean, it's it's the same damn film

over and over and over. And then they replace,

you know, you have Ironhide in the first three

and then you got. hound in the fourth one you

have you know big fat ass you know transformer

you have little scrawny speedy transformer you

have bumblebee you have prime you know it's it's

you get your typical same freaking format throughout

the entire films they just add a new plot device

to replace the previous one. McGuffin sums it

up best. What about you Michael second movie?

The second movie was just so poorly written that

I was surprised it got made at all. I mean, there

are so many plot holes and long, ridiculous sections

that should have been cut. I mean, if any decent

writer had actually looked at this, they would

have stripped out probably at least an hour of

the movie and said, why is the roommate character

here? Why, what does he do? Why do the parents

have to show up in New York at all? Or why do

the parents have to show up at college? Why are

they even there? What's this whole 20 minute

scene of the mom running around getting high

on brownies? What is that? Why do we have these

little mini characters? They don't actually call

them mini cons, but you know, why do we have

like wheelie humping on people's legs? Why do

we have dogs humping on legs? Why do we? What

is going on with all this stuff? And I'm not

even talking about the twins. They died off screen.

Why do we need to have the all spark shard resurrect

jet fire in order to take them? to the Matrix

of Leadership, why couldn't he have just used

that piece of the Allspark to revive Optimus

Prime? How do they teleport from Washington DC

to Egypt? He told you he was opening a space

bridge. If he has a space bridge, then why have

the rest of the movie? It's like we're opening

space bridges. I was so just lost and, you know,

why do they have all this stuff going on that

they don't need? I mean, honestly, we need like

the guy from that 70s show to come in and just

re -edit the whole thing like he did with Star

Wars so that it makes more sense. I don't know.

I mean, I watched it at the theater. I was like,

yeah, you know, I like watching giant robots

smash into each other. That's a lot of fun. But...

You know, I just didn't think it was a very good

movie. And they still aren't. Oh, yeah. I don't

know. The third one, I thought, got better. But

I honestly think I want to say the second one

was so bad because it was poorly written. The

writer's strike kicked in. The people who were

supposed to be doing their job didn't. And Michael

Bay said, I could write this shit, you know,

and and he did. It was awful because Michael

Bay thinks in sound effects. He doesn't think

in plot points. He's like and and and then boom

boom wow this happens and then big explosion

and then and then wait a look here Another big

explosion, and then there's a jet. There's a

bunch of military vehicles are all looking at

flying around and my arms are waving over my

head and And then and then there's sand and and

and testicles there's got to be testicles in

it Robotic test test of these really big ones.

I'm directly below the enemy scrotum that was

actually an extra on the DVD where he's He's

talking to one of the CG guys. He's like, would

it be possible to get like two wrecking balls

as testicles? That's actual extra on the Revenge

of the Fallen. He's talking to one of the CG

guys in that moment explaining what he wants.

And the CG guy is getting glassy eyes. I don't

remember the CG guy's reaction, but I just remember

like, wow, he captured that scene where that

was born. It was just so bad. I mean, yeah, it

was. I will say that the second movie, the one

really, really cool battle scene was the forest

fight. Yeah. It was one of the few fights in

the series where you could see what was going

on. It wasn't an extreme close -up. It wasn't

just a junkyard of moving parts swirling around.

You could actually place, oh, this is this guy,

and that's that guy fighting. Alright proto man

revenge of the fall take a deep breath Cleansing

breath. All right thousand nine. We go to Bokan

We're given some sneak peeks little tidbits.

So we're gonna give you some little scene So

we're gonna show you the transformation of Devastator

people get hyped. Oh, man. It's Devastator kind

of heavy That's all we get. Oh and and a bumblebee

fighting ravage and in complete manner but not

with the fish fillet at the end, but we'll get

to that. So, you know, we get hyped. All right,

side swipes in the movie, kind of looks cool.

All right, cool. We're gonna do this. You know,

this is going to be our movie. This is going

to be focus on the robots, less of the humans.

Now that we've got people on board, it's been

a year and a half now, now people are going to

be hyped for Transformers. We don't need to hold

their hand anymore, the general audience. Everyone's

been behind this. We've sold more toys than we've

ever since, like, 1985. You know, it made Beast

Wars look like a walk in the park. It made everything

look like nothing, the toy sales. You know? So,

we're going to be good, right? So we go into

this movie, and right away, oh, here's the Fallen.

All right, we saw War Within. We know that this

guy's a traitor. He's gonna be the big bad of

this movie. We didn't know how it was gonna interplay,

but we knew, and not to mention IDW was teasing

us with their comics. Infiltration, not infiltration,

Alliance and Defiance, setting up what would

be Nest, setting up also what would be Megatron,

becoming Megatron because of the Fallen. So we

kinda knew that if you were a guy reading the

IDW books, what was happening in between. We

get to this movie right away. Oh Frickin crap.

Okay. So Sam's parents college. All right more

of this shit Okay, so mom gets high now. Well,

it's kind of funny. Okay the first time yeah

You know Sam's, you know really stressed out

and he's twitching like crazy because he's got

the alt -spark in his brain. Okay, that's pulling

from the Marvel books. Alright, good for you.

Yeah, that's kind of like when Buster had the

Matrix in his mind, the creation Matrix code.

Okay, they're kind of pulling from that, I guess,

right? then the all spark goes off and oh hey

like everyone freaking comes alive and he's got

like a blender that has a cock gun and shit and

you know okay sure hey funny funny oh hey we're

gonna have one dog humping scene nope we're to

michael bay we're gonna have two dog humping

scenes okay sure right you know and so there's

me just going like okay now cassie where we're

getting at here all right fine they had a robot

hunting humping scene well we'll get to that

later that's later you gotta get you gotta get

just enough dog humping with bay at this point

because here's the thing michael bay prior to

this movie was not michael bay the transformer

director he was michael bay of armageddon iraq

bad boys after this transformer movie made tons

of money here's what i i think happened it's

kind of the same with george lucas which is what

happened when george lucas was doing the original

star wars he wasn't so much george lucas Dude

of Star Wars. He was George Lucas the director

and there was guys that would be around him that

would say not George You know what? I don't think

this is a good idea or maybe this scene should

be redone this way by the time he did episode

1 2 & 3 there was no yesmen and I think that's

what happened with Michael Bay after the 2007

movie that movie became so big and even Michael's

ego as big as it was back then went to Immaculate

size. I have an ego and I look at Michael Bay

and go man. That's that egos bigger than mine

And I have a big fucking ego, I will openly say

that. Michael Bay's ego was so huge after that

2007 movie that no one questioned his ideas for

this one. So if he said he wanted a dog -humping

scene, even though it messed up pace or messed

up anything, it happened. So, dog -humping scene,

everything like that, and we were also introduced

to what is now known as Bloody Murder Optimus

Prime. We are introduced to the character of

Demolishor and Nest. So they are hunting down

Decepticons. Optimus Prime busts up, you know,

Demolishor, who, by the way, was not instigating

a fight but actually hiding. Didn't actually

at any point attack the humans or the army, just

running away. Sideways is cut in half by a newly

introduced side swipe, who has his one line,

damn I'm good. Let's get used to that because

there's not going to be much more of that character,

despite any hype that we had in our minds. And

we are introduced to Bloody Murder Optimus Prime

now, who in cold blood just cocks his gun and

kills a Decepticon at point blank, something

a certain G1 Megatron did in his own respective

movie to an Ironhide. We have a different Prime

we were introduced to this time, even though

it's supposed to be the same character from the

2007 movie. This guy doesn't take shit. I don't

know what happened between 2007 and 2009. Alliance

didn't show much of it, and neither did Raid

of Starscream, which was another IDW book, but

this guy got jaded and angry as hell. by the

time Fallen came. That would only get worse as

the final two come. Yeah, but the thing is we

weren't introduced to anything, even in supplemental

material, as to why he became like that. So,

it's writing, obviously, but again, me looking

too deep to explain the plot hole. But anyhow,

so we get introduced to that, everything. Oh,

by the way, Sam's in college, and now we're introduced

to Mr. Kitten Calendar, Kitten Calendar, Kitten

Calendar, which is known as Leo. And Leo is the

of human characters is what we do not want in

Transformers is annoying sidekick human character

who's just like oh hey there's conspiracies and

stuff and and there's there's video online and

we're hacking into the internet since shit yeah

like there's Transformers in Mission City there

was a fight and there was this thing in Hong

Kong body blah blah blah who cares okay oh hey

there's that hot chick oh hot chick like Sam

Hot chick is really some kind of pretender thing

out to kill Sam by making out and with her robotongue

and stuff Okay, Alice, whatever Little action

scene some books get destroyed in a library They

run into a car and crush her in between a pole

Whatever. Okay. Okay first first things first.

I have to stop you right here because the greatest

thing about that scene Was when she was in the

car and Bumblebee is doing all this crap to her

and Nickelback's burn it to the ground is playing

in the background There was a lot of like, you

know Bumblebee not approving of her spraying

her with coolant I mean there was also the scene

with the jocks where it's like you got to find

you a tighter shirt again Throwaways here. I'll

admit I'd laughed the first time, you know sure

why not But where's my Ro -Bits? Where's my Ro

-Bits, man? You know, like, we went through this

in the first movie. We're good now. It's time

for the robots to shine, right? You know, it's

starring Optimus Prime, not Shia LaBeouf, right?

Right? Right? No, okay, whatever. So let's go

to the next one. So we keep going, we keep going,

and then it's like, oh, hey, they got picked

up, you know, by some kind of crane and shit,

and oh, it's the fucking Decepticons, and they're

after the boy. And oh, by the way, I skipped

totally the scene where Megatron is revived,

by the way. by just taking some parts from spare

constructicon number seventeen and scalpel making

his first appearance you know and so now Megatron

is back somehow being in the Laurentian abyss

doesn't crush nobody then so everyone comes out

everything is fine Starscream, you know, gets

a little bit of characterization that's more

true to his G1 version, which was absent, unfortunately,

in the first movie where he just had one or two

lines that wasn't really Chris Lada -esque groveling.

So Megatron gets his new body, this tank body,

a little more appropriate. Also, again, if I'm

gonna say some nice things about Revenge of the

Fallen, I will, more appropriate body as opposed

to the Cybertronian jet, more appropriate Starscream

to the one that we originally were presented

with in the limited amount of that previous movie.

But it kind of ends there. because then when

the action starts and the long stretched out

just wheelies introduced and wheelies just this

Joe Pesci -esque little dude who I actually kind

of enjoyed but didn't get much of him that he

starts humping megan foxwood gotta get that humping

quota and can't forget about that you know megan

fox who by the way also at this point because

of the two thousand seven movie because it did

so well got a lot of surgery done got her cheekbones

lifted got her chin fixed and i always tell people

you want to see megan fox how she looked before

and after pick up the human alliance uh... skids

with megan fox action figure The mint and box

one on the left side of the box is how she looked

in Mission City in the 2007 movie on the right

side of box is how she looks in the 2009 movie

and you could go back and forth and look at all

the work she had done since then So that's a

little fun factoid for you all and it's quite

interesting actually So anyways, so you got Megan

Fox. She looks vastly different this time with

all her work done from plastic surgery. Oh, hey,

butt scene. She's with her dad who that gets

thrown away. Hey, remember he was in jail? Now

he's out of jail. Now she's working for him.

We're never going to visit that ever again. So

now she meets up with Sam in the freaking college.

Oh, I wasn't making out with Incepticon. And

then we fast forward through all that shit again.

I'm pretty much trying to get now to agent Simmons

who by the way now is running in his Jewish mom's

salami shop essentially Starring uh from street

fighter the later years del sim who's the guy

who needs to work for teeth? And I don't know

what other throw away one gag characters that

were in that room at the time. Oh, hey uh...

sector seven was discontinued and i'm going to

show you to my bunker -sized absolutely huge

basement in my salami shop that uh... man that

was a huge frickin basement And yeah, oh hey,

the Decepticons were always around all this time,

and that leads to another IDW book, which is

the Sector 7 book, that was playing with the

idea that there's been Model T Transformers,

there's been this and that, and then it leads

to, oh hey, there's Jetfire. Now, they go to

find Jetfire, and it's like, oh hey, he's in

the frickin' Smithsonian, which for some reason

in this continuity is located in the middle of

the desert. And Jetfire's in a Blackbird. Again,

everyone who's been paying attention up to this

point, this isn't the Jetfire you know. We're

not talking G1, we're not talking Armada, Energon,

Galaxy Force, any of that. We're talking a brand

new crotchety, farting, parachutes Jetfire. Who's

just like, played by Mark Ryan as best as Mark

Ryan could do a good job, but Mark Ryan's phoned

in this old crotchety Jetfire who his father

was a wheel and he turned into nothing, you know?

They do the teleport thing now. They're in the

desert, you know Oh, by the way, did I skip a

scene because the frickin pace is so horrible

Yeah, Optimus Prime fights in the desert fights

in a forest and he dies and Like there's all

spark shards and stuff and you know Am I breaking

up a little bit? So there's you know, there's

you know, the all he prime gets killed uh...

the the matrix is like you know now like dust

and stuff about dusted there they have to find

the matrix which is in in the the egyptian desert

and shit made teleport over there and it's just

it's it's such a uh... a mess of things happening

in characters coming along for the ride that

didn't need to be there. You have the twins that,

in all honesty, I didn't find they were too racist,

but at the same time, they weren't too entertaining

either. They were just kind of like, oh hey,

here's these two black characters in the way

that Blaster was a black character, or G1 Jazz

was a black character, or even in the way that

Beast Wars Tigatron had a little Afro, you know,

tistic. Qualities to him of an african -american

character, but these two are just hey It's freaking

flavor flave and flavor flave jr. As transformers.

They're both I will I will say the best scene

Uneducated, you know bling bling wearing rapper

transformers. That's what they I will say the

best scene with them is when Bumblebee basically

schools the hell out of them. That entire scene

at the temple, when he basically just takes them

in one, each of them in one hand and basically

slams their head together, all I can think of

is Bumblebee is Moe and either one of them could

be Larry or Curly Joe. Well, and that's, you

just reminded me of another thing. And another

character development thing that kind of angered

me was at the end of the first movie Bumblebee

got his voice back. And then they just kind of

swept that under the rug because the first movie

did so well, they don't want to change that character

aspect of him. To quote Sam, he's playing it

up. I don't know what even that was supposed

to mean. I thought it was fixed, it's not fixed,

and it would stay broken forever. Because we

all know all the times Optimus has been revived

from nothingness and all the characters have

been repaired and stuff, somehow that little

crushed voice box from On Cybertron is impossible.

They play up that, Bumblebee can't talk still,

whatever. We get to the desert, you know, Sam

finds the Matrix, it crumbles to nothingness,

and he puts it all in his sock. Yeah, like it

and then you'll by the way this point He has

a broken hand because while this movie was being

filmed Shia LaBeouf drove drunk and broke his

hand in a car accident So they had to base that

all around the movie Because the actor Shia LaBeouf

was an idiot behind the wheel and got drunk and

gone to a car accident So the reason why Sam

breaks his hand when he teleports is because

of that Because they had to work in the stupid

actor having a cast the rest of the movie around

his hand Now we get to the hey, there's there's

the the fucking solar needle shit. We got to

get to that That's gonna take an hour This movie

was already running way too long as it was, and

so is my whole spiel here of me talking. I've

been talking longer than I should have, but that's

how long this movie was. That's how long it was.

It's just the fact that I have to talk this long,

you know? So, you know, and I love it, too. It's

like, we got to get over there, and then all

the stuff that turns into cars and planes that

could help them get over there scatter in every

other direction. Like, fuck that, I'm not...

Driving you to that pyramid, you know, so like

it so he has to run on foot and it's just like

okay He's running on foot now at this point Daniel

was getting all Maybe there's some deep meaning

to all of this because in the first movie, Sam

didn't get on the football team. And then here

he is holding the AllSpark like a football with

some quarterbacks covering him and his linesman

to get the AllSpark to the helicopter. Oh, there

was a deep meaning there. And then in the second

movie... You know, it was all about Sam leaving

for college, and then when he has to run with

the Allspark because his parents were kidnapped,

it's all about his parents staying with him instead

of going away. You know, there's some deep meaning

there. But no, I was fucking wrong. I don't know

what the fuck I'm talking about. It was, it totally,

Michael Bay probably was like, yeah, that's good.

Maybe we'll use that because more knows you probably

heard it first from me before I even thought

about putting it in the movie. So anyways. You

have the Devastator transformation and we're

all like, oh dude, here's Devastator. Here's

our freaking centerpiece. Fucking Constructicons.

Everybody knows the Constructicons, right? They're

gonna be awesome. Oh wait, what's this? The US

military have some kind of rail gun that could

take out anything from millions of miles away.

Sorry, Devastator. Boned. You're dead. Oh, by

the way, but not before alien scrotum. Yeah.

Alien scrotum. Yeah, we needed that alien scrotum.

And we needed Michael, uh, Michael, John DeTuro,

one man in skids, one man with Leo. Let's put

these two characters in a car, throw away another

15 minutes of movie time and an Arabic midget

who's a fucking, you know, like it's just, the

whole movie is just one throw away gag after

another that I'm just, I'm throwing at you as

I'm remembering them because there's no pace

to them that would make sense. as I'm telling

them to you. So final battle happens, you know.

Freaking jetfire has his line and then a member

Scorponok who got away here. He is again, and

he's gonna take out jetfire Yeah, the weakest

decepticon took out the ancient transformer for

good but not before giving his parts to Optimus

Prime who was revived with The Matrix who Sam

went into a coma saw the original 13 the matrix

is reborn I don't know what that is even supposed

to mean is Sam the chosen one Evidently not because

by movie for he doesn't matter anymore so okay

the one okay you brought the 13 the one thing

I will say that I love original 7 not 13 in this

continuity but whatever right the the 13 primes

the one thing I love the one that talks to him

Kevin Michael Richardson. Yeah. And so, you know,

the Matrix Reborn Prime is back. You helped me,

boy. Thank you and everything. Now I'm going

on a murder. So first, you, Jetfire, who's dead.

Jolt. Oh, by the way, you haven't been you've

been hiding on the side this entire movie, but

you have toys we have to sell. Jolt, put these

pieces on me. Now I'm wearing this dead guy's

parts and I could fly now. Let's go for the quick.

Barely four minutes battle scene. So let's first

take out this star destroyer BAM. That's done.

All right. Now let's take out the fall and give

me your face Wow, this guy's fucking hardcore

All right. Hey Megatron, let's fight. Oh shit.

He's just cutting the shit out of Megatron G.

Okay. Whoa, slow down prime. Okay, you're a little

fucking crazy now first movie It was pretty even

now you're just okay prime slow to fuck down.

Okay, Jesus Christ. All right Starscream get

him the fuck out of here Yep, fuck that, okay.

And cue to credits. Play Linkin Park song. What

the fuck just happened? I don't know, man. I

don't know what the hell just happened. There

was a lot of explosions. There was a lot of shit

that got thrown at us. Maybe an insecticon here

and there. I don't know what the fuck I saw.

Ravage appeared for a second. Soundwave apparently

was there. We saw some fucking, like, you know,

Reitman thingy, as it was called. That was some

metal shard thing. I don't know. It was all this

century shit that was thrown at me. And in the

end... I think I liked it, but I'm not sure.

Was it better than the first? Definitely had

more robots. Did we ask for more robots? Yeah,

we sure did. Hey, we got a lot more robots. It

should be better than the first, right? I don't

know. Maybe I'll see it a second time. And I

did. And fuck did I wake up that second time.

Because that second time made me realize, what

the hell was I thinking? What a goddamn disaster

that movie is because I fidgeted the second I'm

like, oh my god How long is this that the pace

is horrible? The story is horrible characters

are thrown around around fish fillet on freaking

Ravage like ravages is skinned like nothing.

No character meant anything That's when it dawned

on me the first movie I thought because it was

just trying to just get off the ground It's okay

to ignore characters. The second movie would

be the strong reminder of this is what we think

of transformers Nobody matters. Everyone's expendable

Everyone's gonna die and that's the fact and

that's the bottom line because Michael Bay said

so Yeah, so the third movie Pretty much can be

summed up like this Spock comes in Spock wants

to you know find these pillars. Oh my god Spock

is a traitor And he's working with Megatron while

the humans are also working with Megatron We

have this really amazing battle scene in Chicago

where they destroy half of Michael City And You

know and you know Everything is based around

the space program. It's like oh great conspiracy

number three Now let's just let's just reiterate

up to this point conspiracy in the first movie

Transformers were on Mars. They got rid of the

Mars Rover Oh and the Hoover Dam exists because

of the all spark conspiracy in movie 2 was did

you know the pyramids were actually created by

the Transformers and they were hiding a Star

Destroyer all this time That's conspiracy number

two. Conspiracy number three is that NASA, all

this time, and the whole, you know, Apollo 11

fiasco and all of that, was really just to get

transformer stuff when the dark side of the moon,

unrelated to... The whole space race. Yeah. The

whole space race. Oh, and Chernobyl. Can't forget

about Chernobyl. Yeah, Chernobyl. Another conspiracy.

So you think you know American history and world

history? I'm sorry. You don't. Says the Transformers.

Yes, Steve, that's on the first one. On the first

one what? The third one. Third one? Third one

was better than the second one. But again, I

felt like I was watching a G1 episode. I mean,

it just... I felt like I'd seen the story kind

of play out before. It wasn't really anything

spectacular or special to me. I would argue that

at that time It was better than I mean it still

is and it's better than the second one, but it

I don't know I I'd like to nemoid being in it

for what little bit he was in there, but it didn't

really Impact me all that much. I mean it Megatron

was still a little bitch in this film this film

just like he wasn't the previous one playing

second fiddle I mean, yeah, he was kind of not

really, but he still was. He was, in a way, but

he was less of a bitch than he was in the second

movie, because in the second movie, he was serving

the fallen, whereas in this one, he and Alpha...

I almost called him Alpha Trion, fuck. Sentinel

Prime had some sort of uneasy alliance. You know,

I... For me, I liked this one because Soundwave

was a lot more present. I liked seeing as much

as I didn't like the design. I liked seeing Laserbeak.

I wish the design was a little bit better. The

stereotypical crazy guy... dude in the eye a

i don't know what's worse the guy in the office

going off on sam or leo honestly i hated both

of those characters uh... the robot stuff was

better this time around uh... for the most part

you know were up to the third film as each film

goes around optimus prime is getting worse and

worse and worse He really really is in what regard

in just the the blood thirst regard or yeah,

he's he's becoming basically a Murderous Autobot.

I mean he if as much as we love Peter Cullen,

I'm sorry Peter Cullen is wrong This is not the

same optimus prime we had 30 years ago. I asked

Peter Cullen What do you think of this new optimus

prime and how he compares with the g1 prime and

he said it's the same one It's the same. It's

the same character and and then it's next question,

you know, but it's like wait a minute What part

of give me your face? Equates with freedom is

the right of all sentient beings. It's different

personality Yeah, I mean, yeah, it is the same

voice if He wouldn't own up to it though, and

I get it. You're getting a paycheck. They're

paying you you're paid to be here And they will

take that away if you disparage them. Just ask

Megan Fox. But still, you gotta, you gotta own

up. I will say the only, this might be out of

the three films out of the original trilogy,

I guess, since this next film sets up a new trilogy,

supposedly. Out of the original trilogy, this

is the only film that I can actually stomach

Simmons. Simply because the more annoying character

and this one is his ex -wife or future lover

or whatever the hell The CIA lady is supposed

to be I will say out of all three of these movies.

I really dug Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson.

I dug their characters I thought out of the human

characters. It probably would have made more

sense to focus on them and not even have sam

wiki in this at all i agree but then who do we

have to sleep with super models and you know

basically get high -paying jobs in big companies

because they have robot friends gotta have that

in a movie it's important you have those characters

you can relate to yeah right characters you can

relate to. Okay, since we're on the third movie,

here's my thing with Sam. He was a douchebag

in the first one. He got a little tiny sliver

of a shred, kind of like the sliver of all spark

that get fed into his brain of character in the

second one and they then take that away in the

third one and basically put the third one he's

basically almost selling his grandfather's glasses

again on ebay he's like oh poor me i've saved

the world twice i can't tell anybody about it

i've saved the world twice they can't they can't

do anything for me other than to put me through

college and pay for my entire college education

You entitled piece of shit basically yeah, it's

the back of my hand Yes, because I can relate

to that Sure you can well, where's my supermodel

You had two kids with her. Oh, that's right.

Sorry dear. I love you, honey. Yeah, don't tell

Megatron Anyway, I liked the third one a lot

better than the second one That has that going

for it. I think that's a you know a universal

viewpoint Yeah, yeah what I liked about the third

movie though is that You know aside from from

the solar needle, you know, it took a lot of

plot points from g1 cartoons Yep, like like five

or six different g1 cartoons kind of smashed

them all together into one really really long

movie and You know, I appreciated that but I

also appreciated their stunt casting which was

Leonard Nimoy Because not only did you have Leonard

Nimoy as a voice, but you also had a movie clip

on the television of The original series Star

Trek the original series you had an audio clip

Leonardine way from I want to say Star Trek 2

Yeah, what no see the search our tour starts

yeah, no, yeah, it was one of those movies right

well the one where he died so you know you've

got that yeah the second movie, so you've got

Bumblebee spoke in a Sound clip from that and

at least twice They they reference Spock and

or Star Wars just in in dialogue. So I mean there's

there is just so much Leonard Nimoy wanking going

on that You can't help but be like wow I really

hope Leonard Nimoy voices something in here because

it'd be really awkward if he didn't Exactly All

right Proto Man quick thoughts on the third one

quick thoughts, okay We go into Bokan 2011 it's

Pasadena we got that frickin, you know theater

thing set up for us and Michael Bay's there in

the flesh to make us look like idiots because

one of his Famous lines from that was I can't

believe so many of you guys are into this shut

up, man We made you 700 million dollars over

a span of like freaking each two years You know

see that gold encrusted like swimming pool you

have that's us we paid for that So don't fucking

make fun of us So he's like I'm gonna show you

one of my favorite scenes from the movie. He

shows us this fucking human squirrel bullshit

that no one cares about, you know, and That was

supposed to be our big hype for the movie And

of course everyone in that in that theater and

I swear to God I will break the neck of every

transformer fan that was in that theater Everyone

was cheering for Bay and loving him. We love

you Michael. You're amazing. Oh My god the horrible

things we said about you. I wanted to kill everyone

there everyone It was just like, you sons of

bitches, all of you, all of you. I swear me and

Seth Buzzard were looking around like we were

in some kind of fucking bizarro world. And it

was just like, are you fucking serious? Anyways,

so we saw that. That was our little taste of

hype. Go to see the movie a couple of weeks later.

I was like, you know what, after that piece of

shit, Revenge of the Fallen, how bad could this

be? And I'll admit. It was a lot better. Not

a little better, a lot better. A lot better.

Like you said before, G1 aspects of storytelling.

And me, I love it too because... I always avoid

all spoilers. So I went into that super arrogant

Sentinel Prime. I know everything about Sentinel

Prime. Fucking, you know, original fucking leader

before Optimus, G2 comic book cameo. Oh, yeah,

he was mentioned in fucking War Within. I know

everything about Sentinel Prime. Animated fucking

douchebag. Yeah, okay, the tick. I know everything

about Sentinel. What the fuck? He's a traitor.

Oh shit. Ironhide is dead. Oh my God. You know,

like that was the thing with with the movie was

it actually had a twist. I'll give it that. Because

when it starts, you're like, oh, here's Sentinel

Prime. Prime's giving the Matrix to him. It's

a mentor character. They're going to work together

to fight against. And by the way, up to this

point, we all thought Shockwave was going to

be the big bad guy the way it was hyped. We thought,

oh, it's going to be Shockwave. He's going to

come, and he's going to do what he did in the

Marvel books, where Megatron wasn't doing a good

job. And that's why he's so busted up. Shockwave's

going to be the new leader at Decepticons and

everything. Nope, that's not how it turned out.

Got a fucking red herring 180 on everything and

boom Sentinels the big bad shockwave is just

a fucking metal worm thingy going on that which

kind of sucked actually But we got a lot of good

action scenes. I liked how Sentinel Prime was

depicted Dwayne Ernie Moy did a good job with

that character Humans could have lived without

a lot of them Carly whatever the frick her name

was throwaway horrible actor It's like hey, and

then you got McSteamy from what's it called there

from that hospital drama that my girlfriend watches

You know and it was just like oh, hey, you're

like some car collector guy that you need Sam's

girlfriend to Be your secretary, because she's

so important. Create all this jealousy stuff

that's going on. Oh, by the way, Sam's parents,

because we always need more of Sam's parents.

And then it's like, hey, son, I'm going to give

you some sexual advice. Now, we're still watching

a Transformer movie, right? OK, anyways. And

then it's like, OK, fine. Oh, hey. And oh, by

the way, now, Wheely has a buddy. His name is

Brain. And then we get our first little spoiler,

where fucking Wheely goes, hey, remember this?

This is the episode where Spock goes crazy. And

what do you know? Spock went crazy. So it's like,

oh, that's kind of clever, Michael Bay. I hope

you wrote that. No, it wasn't Orsey and Kurtzman.

It's this new guy Kruger. Let's take a look at

Rotten Tomato here. He hasn't written a movie

that has more than 20 % fresh. So up to this

point, he has written nothing but ass up to this

point. I think Kruger was the guy that took over

when... In the second movie I should say when

Ortiz and Krusman bailed out. He only wrote a

little. No, Ortiz and Krusman still had a lot

to do with the writing. It's just Krueger took

over full steam for the third one. So this is

Krueger's writing. This is Krueger's dialogue.

This is Krueger's story. And then Bay is just

making it Bay along the way as we like to put

it. So we get to, you know, A, there's Betrayal

iron hide is dead. Oh, hey cosmic rust I guess

cool g1 reference and then we got some off You

know the the twins were apparently killed in

that scene, but it was cut from the movie And

it was only put in the comic book, but supposedly

sentinel kills both of them, too That has been

in there and then more annoying human characters.

We got CIA lady That's like not scared of nobody.

Where's my Prada bag Asian? Secretary, you know

like it was just I don't know. I hate these stereotype

characters that are just useless and boring and

trying to prove themselves when we're never going

to see them ever again or ever care. It's like,

why are you even giving this to us? And oh, Agent

Simmons, he wrote a book. Because apparently,

no one was in Mission City. No one was around

in Egypt. No one saw these Transformers. It's

a giant conspiracy. And no one saw these things.

And Agent Simmons made millions of dollars writing

about something that apparently no one saw. So

whatever with that. But we get the whole battle

scenes. And again, it all gets mashed up into

one thing. Oh, hey, Chernobyl. That happened

because of the Transformers. And that's where

Sentinel was. What was it, that energy source

that they needed? I keep forgetting. That was

in Chernobyl. Their engine part. Yeah, like that

one engine part that they needed and everything.

And it's like, oh, hey. And this is the part

that bothered me, which was. Megatron's goal.

Every movie, it was bullshit and a change. It's

like, why did Megatron come to Earth? He was

chasing the AllSpark. No, he wasn't. He came

to Earth to get the AllSpark because he knew

the Fallen was there, and so was the Star Destroyer.

Right? That was it, nut. No, let's retcon that

again. No, he actually came to Earth because

he knew that Sentinel was there and they were

going to terraform Earth to be Cybertron 2 .0.

So they again changed the whole plot and act

like the two movies' main purposes didn't happen

anymore. We have to actually forget what Megatron's

goals were before. Or he was just lying or something.

I don't know. That's something that bothered

me about the third movie. Megatron's got like

plots within plots. He's one step ahead of everybody

in every movie. Apparently he's Beast Wars Megatron

at this point. He's got like a million things

going on for him. That's kind of insulting to

Beast Wars Megatron. I know it is. Death murder

optimist killing shit like crazy ripping things

apart We got Starscream being Starscream and

then getting his ass handed to him by Sam way

to let off Hey, here's Starscream super iconic

character. We're gonna make the human character

kill him You know with some kind of like stab

grenade thingy into your eye You know, whatever

sure Then we're introduced to a whole bunch of

characters that don't matter because they'll

get killed off soon enough later. So we're introduced

to like You know I'm gonna do air quotes here

wheeljack also known as brain not brains Q Who's

like? Oh here? He is now. He's dead. You know

was he there for some kind of like I don't know,

emotional thing. Oh, the Decepticons kill people

in remorse. I think we learned that already.

But then again, so do the Autobots. So at this

point, this is not shocking. We got Soundwave

who's, again, wasn't a spoiler to us because

we saw all the toys beforehand, but he's secretly

so -and -so's car and he's been working with

the Decepticons all this time. Another conspiracy.

Humans have been working with the Decepticons

all these years. Okay, sure. Whatever. You know,

oh, and... This is Kruger writing. So it means

that a girl's got to get kidnapped and that's

gonna be a common thing with movie for two so

she gets kidnapped because we need her alive

of course because We need the human character

have a reason to infiltrate the Decepticon You

know stronghold a base of operations whatever

the hell they were doing in Chicago over there

fast forward prime beats You know, Sentinel,

again, there's so much fluff in between. It's

like, oh, they go and they fake their own deaths,

and then in the end, they're not dead. And they

meet up with the army guys, and then Prime says

the line, kill them all. So, yeah, he's death

-murder Prime. Like, this Prime just doesn't

give a shit anymore. And then there's more action

scenes that are throw -away -able, and oh, hey,

here's Shockwave, let's just fucking kill him

in five seconds, because he's not important,

right? I mean he wasn't in like every trailer

hyping up this movie so his head hits the ground

and rolls away and he's dead and oh Soundwave

is gonna get a show where you can through his

chest from Bumblebee so he's dead and like it

just everyone was just dying and useless and

didn't matter and didn't care and then in the

end sentinels begging and prime you know in cold

blood fucking just Cox's gun and shotgun sentinel

right through his face and most bloodiest way

pot. This movie had more spit and saliva than

all of them up in combined. They bleed now. So,

like, you know, and Sentinel dies a painful and,

you know, absolutely horrible death from Optimus

Prime, who, when we think Optimus Prime, we think

painful bloody murder of the ones he hates, you

know? Like, slow, painful death. And then Megatron's

like, oh, we gotta finish this. And then Prime's

like, yes, we do. Five seconds later, he's dead,

and his head is ripped off. Like, they literally

didn't even try to build up a fight scene for

that one. It's just like, uh, uh, and off with

your head and, like, Sub -zero from Mortal Kombat

1 head removed fucking spinal cord hanging, you

know finish him Fatality you get your three thousand

points to your score. I was really expecting

a Pink Floyd reference somewhere in this movie

other than the damn title on Well, you know what?

And it was funny, too, because you listen to

the first two Linkin Park songs and they actually

do have some kind of relation to things. The

first song references Optimus Prime killing Megatron,

who was, quote, his brother. The second movie

talks about Sam and Michaela and how close they

were and how it kept them together, which, of

course, is all bullshit now because he dropped

her for another chick and Michaela means nothing.

And the third movie's song was really like...

This movie is fucked up and we're ending on a

sour note. And I remember Gogdog said it the

best because he felt the exact same thing I said

was that then after he kills Megatron, they do

this scene where it's like... And they're spinning

around Optimus. And he's holding the gun in his

hand. And I was expecting Optimus to just put

the fucking gun under his chin and blow his own

head off. I thought he was gonna be like... You

know? Because it looks like he's gonna lose it

at that point. I just killed my master. I just

killed my biggest rival. Everyone's like fucking

dead like it's just you know Steve jabowski's

fucking hitting the keyboard You know And nothing.

And then it's just like, that's the end of this

movie. It ends on a sour note. They play the

new Linkin Park theme song, which is like, in

the end, there's something, something this movie

was shit. Little better than the second one,

but kind of shit. but you'll still not buy the

toys. And Dark of the Moon got pulled off the

shelf early because the toys didn't sell well

because a lot of people didn't dig the movie.

And that was that. That one, better than the

second, but I still think the first one was a

better start, end, and finish of a movie. But

yes, I will agree with that. We have to take

a quick break We are going to come back with

spoiler -filled Thoughts on the latest film age

of extinction. We'll be back after this This

is the greatest advance in modern physics since

the splitting of the atom a rare metal molecularly

unstable It's what they're made of. Bring it

up! All the way! You guys have never seen a truck

like this before? Dad, you can't keep spending

money on junk. I don't think it's a truck at

all. I think we just found a transformer. Dad!

I'm gonna ask you this once. Where is Optimus

Prime? All we have done. Humans are hunting us.

But I fear we are all targets now. What is that?

Who sent you here? This is not war. It's human

extinction. Oh my god! Double B! How many more

of my kind must be sacrificed? We gotta have

faith, Prime. Maybe not in who we are, but in

who we can be. When it's all take a deep breath

because it is now I dropped proto man in the

smelting pool Rubbery, um, there's a hot rod

in the pool. Oh Wow Okay, then that's quite rot

a musty there Ha firing on all cylinders in this

part of all things transformers episode 42 We

are here to continue the Bay verse discussion

and this time to talk about the most recent film

transformers for age of extinction Okay, so now

I know if proto man was here he would be the

negative Nancy of the entire group Oh pick me

pick me I I found the film to be refreshing on

the casting level. So much, you know. Just a,

like, Optimus Prime. Every single actor in this

movie is all better than what Shia LaBeouf did

in the previous three films. Yeah. You know,

Mark Wahlberg was good in his role. you know

he played the overprotective father and you know

as the movie went along I saw that you know he

kinda came around and there there well let's

just get this one thing out of the way why did

Michael Bay not go for the humor in this film

where he went more for the stocking and the statutory

rape and they actually brought out evidence why

it wasn't statutory rape it's like oh my god

that is crazy Unless entirely sure why they even

brought up the topic of age. I mean, it's like

she's going to college She's looking for her

college acceptance letter in the mail. They could

have said hey, I just turned 18 and This guy's

20, but hey, I'm 18. Everything's cool And then

that would be the little hand waving everything

would have been fine But instead we get 20 minutes

of explaining why? He's not a serial rapist.

Yeah, exactly. It's like the the boyfriend who

Claims in the presence of the father that she

has good hands that the hands on the stick is

good with her I'm Not yeah, she's like she's

got the best hands in the business and my first

thought was does she drive your car while you're

racing or Nope, she drives a stick. She drives

his stick exactly and I'm thinking well, wait

a minute and then there's a whole nother 20 minute

segment where Cade looks over at the at the boyfriend

and says someone was in my house Was it you?

Were you in my house? And he's waffling. Oh,

you know, finally admits it. Yeah, it was me.

So it's like, you know, you don't sneak over

to someone's house to sample her stick handling

ability. You know, I mean, there's something

there's more going on here. And the sad thing

is, is we took at least 20 or 30 minutes out

of this movie to discuss it down to the point

where we have to get into. Texas law yeah Texas

law in this I like this Michael Bay got a problem

with 16 year old girls or because His thing is

is he cast girls that always are Looking like

they're from Victoria's Secret and then well

the last one was yeah. Yeah That's cuz he directs

them on that too. Yeah My god, yeah, you can

tell where his mind is a transition to porn like

wash my car bitch Megan Fox is like yeah speaking

of wash my car. You know Megan Fox is Probably

I've heard this analogy before was like pretty

enough to be a porn star and acts about as well

You know so it's like I'm not entirely sure She's

not Maybe They do come up with pseudo names.

Well, I have seen a Megan Fox who looks a lot

like her, or maybe it is her. I'm not sure. I'm

not going to say where I saw it. But this whole

film went polar opposite of the last three. Yeah.

However, it felt flat. And also, not to mention.

It was 165 minutes, you know two hours 35 minutes

It could have survived on being an hour and a

half I'm not sure if I'd buy that like I said,

I probably could have done without 20 minutes

of Texas law discussion But what about the 45

minutes of having no transformer on screen? You

know, I don't mind getting to know the character

a little bit as long as it's a good character

Like I don't want to watch 45 minutes of Shia

LaBeouf You know, being hyperactive, entitled,

and obnoxious. You mean where he goes... No,

no, no, no, no, no! The whole damn movie, exactly.

I don't want to see him, you know... Just the

way he acts, it bothers me. It's aggravating.

And I can't believe he got away with it for three

movies. Well, they were trying to be cheap. Now

they went for the good stuff. Well, they made

the movie, I think, for like $60 million less

than the last movie. And it still made more money.

Yeah, because they used less humans and they

kept, you know, they have one action star. They

used less humans. They used less Well, I don't

want to say, you know sets because they went

to China, but there was like a whole that's a

separate subject There's a whole deal with China

or where they get to use certain locations in

exchange for product placement And things like

that. I mean the Chinese government got involved

Yeah, that's that's a different story because

they made a trillion dollars in China On opening

weekend like isn't I think want to say they made

as much money in China as they did in the United

States domestically on opening weekend But that's

just because that's a different story. We'll

get into that later. Yeah, but yeah, I I would

rather watch marky mark and his daughter and

and his serial rapist son -in -law to be For

an hour and just have them dick around in his

van in his garage or his barn Really? Hey, you

know, we're gonna mess around in your barn I

would just like to wander around his barn and

and just look at that half -ass crazy shit that

he quote -unquote invented You know, it's like

crazy guard dog. I will call the police. It's

like dude. I want one of these It's like I thought

everything he had in there was cool the robot

that couldn't serve beer to save his life All

you gotta do is put robotic parts on Dargo Exactly.

Well, yeah, Dargo needs cybernetic parts. Yes,

he does. I'm calling the police. But I thought

it was neat. I like that. Getting back to my

point, I didn't mind watching the characters.

I didn't mind finding out more about these guys.

Would I prefer to see more robots? Yeah, of course.

But even when the robots came on the screen,

weird things started happening. Like the last

three movies, Bumblebee was front and center.

Bumblebee was the hero. Bumblebee was the person

everyone was supposed to relate to. And as soon

as they introduced Bumblebee, what happens? You

know, Drift puts him in a headlock and gives

him noogies. And Howland calls him a... Howland's

like, John Goodman goes... Bumblebee's a big

pussy. You know, I'm just like what what what's

going on here? Well, cuz he is in this film.

He's just a temper tantrum throwing car Well,

yeah, well and again, you know, they said we

still need a Shia LaBeouf. We need this hyperactive

Entitled obnoxious kid and we're gonna put Bumblebee

in that role this time. I I can at least you

can't talk No, I meant I meant if he was gonna

act like Shia Oh god, that would be the worst

insult in the Transformers live -action film

history. What happened is they didn't kill Sam.

They put his consciousness in Bumblebee. It's...

Michael, it's... Michael, it's Autobot Spike

all over again. Oh my god, make it stop. Make

it stop. No, no, no. Here's what really should

have happened. The biggest insult in the world.

Fire him from live -action part of it, but make

him the voice of bumblebee Yeah, I know You know,

I kind of felt you know, I was kind of on B's

side here a little bit I mean, you know, they

basically, you know copied him and the humans

improved on him and whatever else So I kind of

liked his little temper tantrum. I mean, you

know granted he's but you know, he's pretty much

it They reverted him back to the terrible 2 stage,

but at least it was a little bit comical. I can

understand that. From that point of view, he's

been copied, he's upset, I get it, but in the

desert, and apparently all the Autobots are in

the same desert, just waiting for someone to

go, heed the call of the last Prime. In the desert,

they all get together and immediately start it

on Bumblebee. You know, I'm thinking, wow, you

know, he, I thought he was the hero and everybody

loves Bumblebee. And, you know, even, even Jazz,

who in the first movie, who, you know, by all

means should have been the one picking on Bumblebee.

Yeah. Well, I think what happened is they're

all ridiculing him for hanging out with Sam.

Yeah, that's true. I'll buy that. All right.

Yeah. They know what he's been up to for the

last few years and they're making fun of him.

You know, Once you put Dan O 'Connor in a robot

body, that's absolutely amazing. Having John

Goodman as Hound, I wasn't sure how that was

going to work. It's just John Goodman. But it

friggin' works. I can't get over it. It's just

John Goodman. I don't see Hound. No, I know.

I see John Goodman in his big Dan O 'Connor...

plaid shirt jumping over, shooting Decepticons.

No. He's sitting there going, Roseanne. Yeah,

but Hound was amazing. I would have liked Drift

better if they had actually made him more the

IDW Drift than anything else. How do you know

he's not? does it look as though it's not it's

not the look yeah it's kind of a look but that's

not really my main thing the set like in the

comic he is very spiritual he is very samurai

like he's just not ken watanabe samurai like

in the comic he's not like that it's just is

that reciting haiku no at least i don't remember

him doing any of that it's just one of those

things where i drift i didn't really John Goodman

was the character for me in this movie. You know

what would've made me happy? Mm -hmm. Bill Fagerbacki.

No. Yeah. No. It's like, you know what? We're

not calling him Hound. No. We're calling him

Bulkhead. If they're gonna use Bulkhead. And

he sounds like a certain starfish. No. Well,

then Bumblebee would have to go, Hey, Prime,

what's going on? No. Yeah, no. No. I can't do

it. If they were going to do bulkhead, they should

have gotten KMR. I mean, hell, he was in the

second one as the Prime. I'll buy that, sure.

To me, that guy didn't look like a hound. He

looked like a bulkhead. A little bit, yeah. But

John Goodman come on give it up. Yeah, it's it's

John friggin Goodman. You can't say anything

bad about that I Love what they did. I don't

necessarily love with a care. Okay. I don't love

the characterization at all It's the worst characterization

of the character ever of who but you'll you'll

see okay I love that Michael Bay finally came

to his senses at least for the first 10 minutes

of the movie once the character shows up and

actually used the no -nose cab for Optimus. I

friggin' love that. Oh, the G1? Yes, I friggin'

love that. On the other hand, though, Optimus

is not even a dick in this movie. Optimus is...

Optimus is a complete asshole. No, no, no, yeah.

Murder -kill Optimus, you mean? Yes. Well, here's

the thing. When I find him... We will kill him.

It's like a vow never to harm a human. It's just

one of those things where he... He's not a dick.

He's not an asshole. He's worse than what a dick

and an asshole would be. No, I mean, he's still...

Go ahead. I'm sorry. I hope to God Peter Cullen

does not defend this movie. Peter Collins should

have abstained from this poll. I know, I know.

He thought he would have been like, I'm sure

they're noticing me. Exactly. Peter Collins reading

the script and the first thing Athens Prime says

is, I'll kill you all. It's like, wait a minute.

Is this is this Prime? And Michael Bay says,

well, that's not G1 Prime. That's give me your

face Prime. And Peter Colton goes, wow, I don't

remember. I was like, no, remember this? In the

last movie, you said, give me your face. You

don't remember that? Oh, OK, all right. This

movie doesn't have Optimus Prime versus Galvatron.

This movie has Megatron versus... Shut up! You

took my line, you asshole! You're killing it!

You're killing the line! It has a Megatron versus

Galvatron is honestly is what optimus has turned

into he's turned into Megatron. I Don't want

to go that far, but I want to say he's He's not

the same leader and I don't know if it's because

he was killed and had a commission for a long

time but he goes out in the desert and he says

he the call of the last Prime and All the other

Autobots that are left over pop out of the woodwork

in the desert and they're all picking on Bumblebee

and what does Prime say Prime's like Yeah, I

had that problem with Bumblebee. You know, it's

like well, what is that supposed to mean? Is

Bumblebee giving hand jobs to guys in cars? I'm

confused. I don't know where we're going with

this. Well, he needed fuel. Yeah, but is Optimus

Prime standing up and saying I'm your leader

and you will do as I say and the first thing

I'm telling you to do is quit fucking with Bumblebee,

you know? No, he doesn't. He's just like he even

he's bad -mouthing Bumblebee. He's like, take

him back to the forest. It's like, wake up the

gimp. The gimp's sleeping. Wake him up. Oh, I

just screwed that one, didn't I? Yeah, but I

didn't feel that this was written. The word I'm

going to say. I liked the concept. I'm going

to say autobotly. They weren't written very autobotly.

The characters weren't oval. Go ahead, Steve.

Okay. Go, Steve. Sorry for interrupting. No,

I think the concept was there, but I totally

agree with you that the Autobot element was totally

absent. Yeah. I mean, they kill Ratchet the first

five seconds of the movie. I didn't even catch

that. Yeah. And then all of a sudden they get

to that point and you see the decapitated Ratchet

and I'm like... Well, where the hell did he die?

How did you not see Ratchet being killed? That

was so graphic. Yeah. He's having his arms and

legs blown off. He's begging for his life. He's

like, Whoa, I'm an Autobot. Why are you killing

me? Oh, God. You know, I mean, to the degree

that they all kind of blur over. Oh, that was

great. I was like, holy shit, they're they're

murdering Ratchet. I was really shocked. I was

really shocked. I mean, when they killed Ironhide,

I was like, wow, man, they killed Ironhide. That

kind of sucks. But This isn't just, oh, shit,

I've been shot and I'm dead. This is like torture

porn, you know what I mean? They could have at

least said such heroic nonsense. That would have

been funny, actually. Yeah, that would have been

funny. But yeah, again, they killed off Ratchet

and I was like, wow, that's heavy. And I didn't

mind waiting another 45 minutes for more robots

because I was still hurting from Ratchet. Seriously,

that was tough. I was like, wow, the Bay, but

her the paper hurts But now who else was confused

with the dinosaurs in the beginning The movie

starts off with dinosaurs the movie ends with

dinosaurs, but they're not the same dinosaurs

Yeah, in fact, they have no explanation whatsoever

To why the dinosaurs at the end or even dinosaurs?

Well, they didn't even show transformers scanning

them and then just going in inactivity Well exactly

they were they just came out of the ship like

hey look at the size of us man What does it matter

that what we turn into and then suddenly the

dinosaurs? They could have turned into you know

like In the unicorn trilogy they had they had

the gargantuan planet or the planet wherever

they were, they were giants. They have Metroplex

and Manasaur. And they could have just been really

big ass vehicles. You know, like a like a Bagger

288 or something. And that would have been cool.

You know, but no, they turned into giant dinosaurs.

I don't mind. It's cool. I waited two and a half

hours to see it. I was happy with it, but I still

don't know why. It makes it makes no sense. Well,

the whole ordeal was stupid on the execution

because You have the the Autobots fighting and

then all of a sudden they're like Well, let's

get reinforcements and then they go out and then

all of a sudden they're in this rain forest Releasing

Autobots or I'm sorry Dinobots and then They're

following prime back in robot mode. Yeah, and

then he's like We have to earn their trust. And

then Grimlock transforms and they start beating

the shit out of each other. That's how you earn

their trust. You gotta beat the shit out of them.

But they were following him out. So it made no

damn sense. They should have been fighting him

from the get -go. Well, no, I... Me Grimlock

say why you wake me up? Because you're my bitch

and I want you to work for me. Well, that's basically

what I got was they walk out and they're all

walking together and it's like, hey... Thanks

for letting us out, but then he's like, You will

now be my bitch. And Grimlock goes, Me no bitch,

me king. And then they fight. And then, Whoa,

me sorry, me your bitch. Yeah. So, okay, now

I'm going to ride you like a bitch. Get over

here. Oh God. You just combined Grimlock, Optimus

Prime, and Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. Get over

here. Finish him. Give me your face. It's just

one of those things where I... The dino bots

were poorly used Like well and the fact they

were in the last seven minutes of the film. Yeah,

they were poorly used It's great that they transformed

but at least give them several lines I mean not

to say that Greg Berger doesn't have an amazing

career I know that, I've seen the movie, that's

what I'm saying. If you're going to have them

transform between dinosaur and robot, at least,

the least you can do for fan service is to get

Greg Berger and at least get Michael Bell to

do Grimlock and Swoop. I was fine with them not

talking. I mean, it didn't... Didn't overall

take... Would you have been happier if instead

of the giant roar... Grimlock would have said,

me Grimlock no bitch, me Grimlock King, and then

get the smack down off of this Prime. I don't

think I would have been happier in that regard.

Me Grimlock been pantsed. No, I would have been

happy with the line, me Grimlock need new strategy.

Technically, they didn't even name them. I know.

They didn't. They came off the ship and they

said, look at the size of me, man. I'm huge.

You want some help? You gotta, you gotta kick

ass first. Well, they only have it. They only

have two of the Dinobots' names. Yeah. Correct.

And they have Grimlock and Slug. Mm -hmm. Which

is Slag. With Slag, yeah, you can't say Slag

anymore. And then they have Strafe and Scorn.

Yeah. Well, Scorn... As the other two. Scorn,

there was no... There was no, uh, Diametrodon,

I guess, that's what he is. Well, the, the, the

Pteranodon, that was the flying one. Yeah. Yeah,

that's they turn that one into strafe which could

have easily been well they gave him two heads

So I don't care if it yeah, but it's corn was

basically snarl No They have us they have a stegosaur

They I'm sorry, they don't have a stegosaur in

the movie they put a stegosaur in the toy line

Yeah, he looks pretty cool, but I mean scorn

is not a he's not a Stegosaur he's a dimetrodon

Mmm. He's a finback. Mmm. Whatever. I'm not sure

if Dimetrodons are supposed to have sharp teeth,

though. I don't know. You know, I really don't

want to be this guy, but I'm gonna be this guy.

These are not my Dinobots. And it's not just

me saying it because of G1 at all, because the

animated Dinobots were ten times better than

these things. So it's like flat truck, not nose.

Flat truck's not flat. You know, I'm going to

argue another point here is I've seen the SDCC

exclusive set for the Dinobots. It's 300 bucks

and I want it so bad I can taste it. It's literally...

Why are you arguing this point? Because you're

saying, oh, these aren't my Dinobots. I'm saying

in the film... But you give people colors and

you put them in an exclusive set with a cardboard

arc and you're going to want one. The only I'm

not saying that these aren't cool as hell. I'm

not saying that by any stretch of the means.

OK, because I know that they're going to they're

going to do what they're going to do for the

film. That's that's, you know, that's just fact.

And yeah, I don't care that they don't look like

the originals. Or I just I think that the utilization

of the characters was kind of piss poor in this

film is more or less what I think about it. I

don't think that. What's the alternative though?

You have them show up a half an hour early and

talk about it for half an hour? No, but they

could have just, you know, they could have released

them and then they just went rampant on the city

and started thrashing both sides. well here's

the thing optimus prime pulled the dinobots out

of his ass literally he basically had one of

swindle's personal space bridges like an animated

where optimus jumped out of swindle's chest optimus

prime in this movie took the dinobots and pulled

them out of his ass because he kept mumbling

about some legend or the legend is true or the

legend what the fuck is the damn legend how about

telling us that part of the story before you

just go find dinosaurs You know, give us some

sort of plot exposition. I will take the explanation.

And he knew where these were the whole time?

No, they were there on the prison ship. The reason

Prime was on that ship was because it was the

prison hold. There were other aliens in there.

Hound went in and shot a bunch of them. For the

hell of it. Spit on me die, you know No, well,

here's the thing though prime kept saying oh

the legend must be true. Oh the legend must be

true What the fuck was the legend? What would

I spend the first five minutes of the movie telling

us about the legend and what and you know What

what what why they would possibly be on lockdown

ship as opposed to showing us? small dinosaurs

that have nothing to do with the rest of the

movie getting nuked. Yep. The beginning and ending,

the very beginning and the very ending of Revenge

of the Fallen was a better explanation for the

Fallen than this movie was for the damn Dinobots.

Like, I can actually believe the Fallen came

to Earth, you know, back in Egyptian times, destroyed

everything, they destroyed him, etc., etc., etc.,

and then he comes back. you know billions of

years later this had zero exit the humans were

like oh let's let's go try to find robotic dinosaurs

in the antarctic or wherever the hell they were

it's like hey that dinosaur lives right next

to rudolph's pen and santa's workshop ladies

and gentlemen hey the abominable small snowman

found him uh pickaxe or whatever that's a home

switching go ahead Well, switching gears from

the Dinobots onto something less heated. I think

it kind of this film what kind of the route of

Avatar in this one aspect. What? Well, Avatar

had randomonium. This film has transformium.

Okay. No, I'm sorry. I've been watching The Last

Airbender. Lately and you're thinking the real

avatar exactly and you threw me off completely.

I was sorry I was my m night Shyamalan because

that that was horrible Well, I wasn't talking

that piece of shit either. Yeah, you're talking

about the unobtainium. Yeah. Yes unobtainium.

That's what it was, you know, yeah the Transformium,

you know, honestly if I had discovered the metal

the transformers were made out of I probably

would have called the transformium to or Cybertronium

That would have been... I would have called it

Cybertronium or Autobotly. Autobotly. You know,

Autobotlyonium. Is what I would have gone with.

Why does all the elements have to end in anonium?

It would be... Autobotly... Damn. You lost it.

Autobotlymolecule. This is a molecule of... Autobotlium.

Look at the way it... Look at the way it twirls

and dances in the air for no freaking reason.

I don't get it. Which leads me to tornado transformations.

Which means how do you kill them? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, you're shooting at them and they just

kind of split apart in a molecule. Well, there

was a lot of cutting off of heads. They were

like zombies in that regard. Take off their heads.

Except for one. Which one? Galvatron. They didn't

take off Galvatron's head. I mean he started

off as a head. He was a head of his time. You

should have stopped while he was ahead. Poor

Brains is in a jar going shit bro. I can't do

this voice justice because it's retarded. I am

so glad they brought Brains back without Wheely.

As much as I love Tom Kenny is wheelie is the

voice of wheelie. I just Bray went to go hang

out with Michaela. Yeah on her leg Notice there

was no leg. Yeah, there was no leg humping in

this movie Well, see that was really that was

the good thing about the movie. They basically

Michael Bay took What was horrible about Revenge

of the Fallen, which is Leo? Put it in this other

character who is Kate's best friend and kill

him within the first five minutes Kill him fast

enough. I'm like, you know what this guy if he's

gonna end up like like Shia LaBeouf's roommate

I'm gonna be pissed because and that he's dead.

Yeah Well, I thought they were gonna do like

the the Simmons type thing and have him hang

around for comedic relief And then getting him

watched, you know the the You know the seed thing

going off and kind of and he just goes and then

he's just solid metal He was he was really messed

up and they lingered on it They're like looking

at him for a full two minutes. Like look how

messed up he is. He's all melted and shit We

got we really have to absorb this and see just

what happens But a human gets shot by a transformer.

They're like, this is serious shit. This is some

serious shit here, man. The tornado transformations

were just weird. I didn't like it. I didn't either.

You know, it's like, I like it when a transformer

shifts and discombobulates and turns into something

else. But this was literally like, I don't want

to say a Tasmanian devil, like a dust cloud.

No, it was. It was like the Digimon effect. I

hate to agree Digisize into monsters Yeah, that's

yeah, I mean it was cool when all the molecules

came back together but as they were shifting

it wasn't like a Moving of parts. It was more

like a little tornado of molecules going soaring

through the air and and then coming back together

and as it became a silhouette They coalesced

into a robot. It was like, well, that's kind

of cool. But in between the silhouette of a robot

and the silhouette of something else, it just

kind of looked dumb. Yeah, pretty much. You know,

I mean, go ahead. Sorry. Good. I want to hear

what Steve has to say. I was going to say the

one saving grace for me in this entire film is

Galvatron. Yeah. Because you have him kind of

playing the chords from behind the scenes. And

not only is he another science experiment for

the second time, it kind of reminds me of the

early G2 GI Joe crossover comics where the damaged

Megatron in gun form strikes a deal with Cobra.

That he'll give Cybertronian technology in exchange

for them building a new body that he gives the

blueprints for. Yeah. Which essentially is what

he's done here. Well, what I like Megatron, is

that you? Here's a hint. Smash. I love how they

thought they were controlling him and. Yeah.

And he just starts killing people left and right.

Well, and then he talks. Yeah. And they're like,

can he? Do that? Is he supposed to do that? Boy,

he's Megatron. Dumbass. Is he supposed to sound

like Dr. Glaw? That's terrible. Don't get me

wrong. I actually loved Welker as Galvatron.

I think what this movie was more, it's more of

a setup for futures than anything else because

it's... You have the humans versus the Transformers

the Transformers versus the humans you basically

have Kelsey Grammer Frasier Crane Beast as the

more villainous side of Simmons You know and

Galvatron is pretty much as you know as you guys

said he's pretty much pulling the strings behind

the scenes I'm hoping that in the next one He

will be more center stage. And I'm hoping they

don't go on the method of killing off Prime and

Megatron or Galvatron constantly in the film,

and they go like, oh, they're magically back.

Oh god, did you guys see that fake news story?

About Rodimus? Yes. Bring Ultra Magnus in. You

didn't see that fake news story, Michael? No.

There was a fake news story recently where...

Oh someone was interviewing Michael Bay. Yeah,

and he said oh, yeah The next movie totally is

gonna have Unicron and we're gonna kill off optimus

prime and bring in hot rod Yeah, I was like,

you know what? This probably is real Because

he already introduced Galvatron is like, you

know what I would be I'd be upset if the next

movie didn't have a Unicron if he just didn't

say You know what? I'm jumping the fucking shark.

I bring it in Unicron. I'm bringing in hot rod

I'm bringing in girl transformers i don't care

we're gonna throw it all in and see what sticks

to the wall well i think they may bring in the

quintessence yeah who do you guys totally alluded

to that too because remember in the beginning

of the movie when they showed the dinosaurs the

ships come in and they're not transformer ships

there there's weird looking wheels in space and

they showed the weird tentacle arm pulling the

trigger that shot the missiles that hit the that

turned all the dinosaurs into Transformium and

I'm like well whose arm is that because that

doesn't look like a Transformer arm that looks

like it, you know, that looks like a an organic

arm Yeah, junkie ends anyone you weren't civil

If if they do bring in hot rod I'm hoping If

they do and I'm not saying I want them. I just

you know, I I agree with Proto Man. I actually

don't want them To bring hot rod into the movies,

but if they do He has to I don't I don't care

what he thinks. I don't care what Michael Bay

thinks of you know Star billing casting or you

know top star billing casting etc. Etc. He in

order for me to see hot rod in these movies He

has to either get Judd Nelson or Nelson Dick

Gaudier Nah, Judd Nelson. Either or would be

fine with me. Go with the original. No, yeah,

I mean, I'm not... Just like Ultra Magnus. You

know, yeah, hey, as long as we're gonna talk

about using the right voice actors, is there

any reason why Lance Henriksen couldn't come

in to do lockdown? Because that would have sealed

it for me. Yeah. Yeah. It's like lockdown from

animated, just dead on. And this here, I'm gonna

get on my soapbox here. Marty Eisenberg deserves

a check. big fucking check like that's like millions

because We'll look at animated them. We know

we'll look at animated transformers animated

Megatron was destroyed and and fell to earth

as a head the head that took over the lab that

he was in became conscious took over the lab

and Manipulated behind the scenes to get himself

a new body in animated That's right, right bulkhead

Right with again a hound bulkhead same damn thing

except without John Goodman Both of them the

movie and transformers animated did use the spinny

cloud transformations Which a lot of hardcore

fans were kind of pissed off about because they

don't want to see bumblebee spin around and turn

into a car. Mm -hmm and Hello lockdown. Yeah,

Lance Henderson made that role. He owned that

role and That came directly at an out of animated

and animated also had Dino bots but not in the

same not in the same way because Animated handled

them. Well, yeah movie did so Marty Eisenberg

needs a great big fat check. Maybe maybe you're

like residuals Absolutely Um, alright, so I guess

we should probably get into our final thoughts

on the Bay verse overall Oh, on the Bayverse?

Overall, yes. You know, it's so hard, because

like I said, you got three movies that are all

about Shia LaBeouf, and, you know, they made

gads of money, but they were terrible. And then

you got this movie, which still made gads of

money, but it didn't have Shia LaBeouf, and therefore

wasn't as terrible, in my opinion. Funny thing

is, it got us 17 % on Rotten Tomatoes. Really?

This one? Yes. Yes. It's the lowest raking. What's

that? Tell me Dark of the Moon got better than

17%. That's bullshit. They all got better than

17%. Age of Extinction got the lowest. They all

got better. I defy anyone on the street to tell

me that this movie was worse than Dark of the

Moon. No, you mean Revenge of the Fallen? No,

I'm talking Dark of the Moon, the one with all

the dog -humping and the one that actually didn't

have writers. Yeah, that's Revenge of the Fallen.

Ah, damn it. I'm getting fucked up again. Dark

of the Moon was the third one. Dark of the Moon

was the Pillars. Dark of the Moon was the Space

Ritz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one with Spock.

Yeah. This one where Spock went crazy. I'm sorry,

Dark of the Moon. Yeah, you're right. Now, Revenge

of the Fallen was the terrible one that didn't

have a good writer. Okay. Alright, I'm sorry.

We go to transformer heaven when we die. What

the? I Know did I want to go there too. Didn't

we just talk about this? Yeah surprises slip

my mind so quickly, but yeah, that's that's what

I meant Yeah, the revenge of the fallen was was

not a better movie than this and and the sad

thing is Revenge of the fallen and dark and age

of extinction Both have the same goddamn singular

writer. Well, in Aaron Krueger. He did. He was

one of the writer credits for Revenge of the

Fallen. He was the only writing credit for Dark

of the Moon. Right. And he's the only writing

credit for Age of Extinction. Right, but because

of the writer's strike at the time, Revenge of

the Fallen... Or see and Kurtzman didn't they

did like the first five minutes of that and then

the rest of her and then Bay, right? Okay, here's

the ratings ready ready, okay Transformers 2007

has a 57 % Revenge of the Fallen has 19. Oh Dark

of the Moon has 36 and Age of Extinction has

17 bullshit You know, honestly, I would have

given this one around 59 at least at least even

with the first movie because the first movie

even though it had Sam Witwicky It was new. It

was fresh. We'd never seen it before and and

they kept it trim. They kept it tight It made

you want to see more and At the very least the

second movie gave you more even though it was

a terrible movie by the time you get to the third

movie they're starting to cannibalize cartoon

plot lines and and and they heavily heavily uh

you know showcase the the spock angle it's like

well yeah as a as a guy who likes star trek as

a guy who likes transformers that's a guy who

liked the g1 cartoon sure it all kind of came

together for me and i would have given it a 36

percent you know but age of extinction deserves

more than 17 percent I enjoyed it. It should

have ranked higher in Revenge of the Fallen.

Yeah. It should have at least been in the 20s

if they were going to rank it that low. Yeah,

at least as high as Dark of the Moon. But I think

one of the I think one of the saving graces for

Dark of the Moon is the fact that you had Leonard

Nimoy who denied his voice as Galvatron, but

he's okay being a Sentinel Prime. It was also

he was also part of Bumblebee's voice and he

was part of Unicron and what in the original

Oh, no, I'm talking about in the movie Yeah,

there was a there was a quote from Spock that

was came out as Bumblebee There was a scene from

Star Trek that was in the movie. I think brains

was watching Star Trek at one Yeah, it was brains

and Wheely were watching it at the beginning.

They're like What one's this? That's the one

Spock went nuts. It's like don't give it away

or nothing And I was like, oh, I know what's

happening in this film. Yeah Yeah, you know,

I liked that it was playful. I enjoyed it. It

wasn't as ridiculous as the second movie and

sure 17 % up to 36 % but Age of Extinction was

not silly. It was I mean it was it was it was

deep Heavy like it was heavy. I wouldn't say

cheap, but well, I don't mean like deep in that

sense. I meant like deep shit, but It was definitely

a heavy metal war for the fourth film Yeah, it

was it was definitely that the only thing that

kind of bothers me about the Bay verse is Every

film they have to have a McGuffin. Yeah. I Mean,

I'm not saying that I mean cuz every film does

but At least they magically pull a new one out

of their ass the first film. It's the all spark.

Okay. That's something new All right revenge

of the fallen. It's the matrix. Okay, we've all

heard of that eggs of extinction or not Dark

of the moon. We have the pillars age of extinction.

We have the magic transformium No the seed The

seed and the seed is going to create the transformium

that Megatron was going to use to make his new

Decepticon army, which made perfect sense to

me Thought it made it. I thought it was a good

MacGuffin. I wasn't gonna complain about it.

I would make dark mount on earth Here's the thing.

Uh, that's the first film It was a it didn't

really pull from anything because that was kind

of the point Michael Bay made in all those You

know preview before the movie interviews. He's

like, yeah, we know about the fans. Yeah We don't

care about the fans. I'm gonna make the movie

hell. I think it makes sense. And that includes

parents who are just completely unrelatable,

parents who are completely annoying. The second

film rips off Megatron's Space Needle from G1.

The third film... is basically the ultimate doom

three -parter where they bring cybertron to earth

okay the um the fourth film like we've already

said in this episode of the podcast is basically

the entire first two seasons of animated when

you know when it's concerned with lockdown and

the dino bots um what i want to see out of the

next one is unicorn i want to see michael bay

step down Become an executive producer and have

every interview I've ever seen with Spielberg

say that he has such a love for the franchise

I want to see a Spielberg directed Transformers

I know it'll probably never fucking happen because

Michael Bay won't let go of the robotic dick,

but I just... It's called a money bag, bitch.

I just want to see somebody... Michael Bay needs

to go ahead and make Bad Boys 3 and then, you

know, give us that and give us another movie

that isn't pain and gain. Give us something else.

Hell, give us Armageddon 2 for Christ's sake.

I don't know. Something else other than... At

this point, Michael Bay is known for making giant

robot movies. He's not known for the island or

for the bad. I mean, sure, we know him as that

and we know him as that director, but he, you

know, four movies in, he's the Transformers director.

Nobody else, nobody else can have the keys to

Optimus Prime. I'm sorry that they need to switch

it up. They do. I think, I think, and it's not

just that. I think they need to kick Kruger off

too. I think they need to have a whole new team

because I mean, It that's but with the movie

make a jillion dollars Well, and I know they're

gonna keep the money bags and so they're like

these guys make us money We're gonna go with

them again. Um, and I'm so but I and I'm fine

with it to an extent but look at the Star Trek

films like the olden day ones not the Bullshit

that's now. Um But they switched directors and

writers every film Which helped the series grow?

Yeah Now I'm not saying that you need to have

like I agree with Steve you need to get Aaron

Krueger out of there I'm not saying you need

to have a writer. That's a I'm not saying you

need more fan and Interpretation at all. I'm

saying you need a competent writer. That's gonna

write a script that makes sense for everybody

Okay, you know I I know if you put a fan in charge

of the writing regardless of what Michael Bay

does to butcher the fan You know the fanfiction

It's just one of those things that is not a good

thing. I understand that but what I'm saying

is You know put somebody in there that actually

knows how to write. You know what honestly I

would have loved to see a Shane Black. I would

love to see a Transformers lethal weapon That's

what I'd love to see right there. I could see

that actually work. Yeah, I know right the sad

thing I know, right? All right. Oh, wait, hold

on. Before we go, there was something that I

alluded to at the beginning that I just remembered,

and that was the Chinese product placement. Oh,

OK. This movie made as much money in China as

it did in the US on its opening weekend because

of the Chinese product placement. And you might

not have even noticed it, but it was there, and

it was blatant. It was horrible. There was a

there you have a scene in China. This is weird

because you go to Hong Kong and suddenly you

see Stanley Tucci drinking a juice box he just

randomly picks up a juice box and starts drinking

it and He's nervous. Maybe he just he's just

thirsty, but you can see the label on the front

of it. Yeah, and it's like okay. This is similar

to when Cade or Marky Mark is is in Chicago and

reaches over and just grabs a beer off the ground

because as everyone knows in Chicago the the

ground is littered with beer and you can just

pick one up and he just starts magically delicious

he just starts chugging it uh before he tries

to murder somebody but we are in America we know

what uh what a an mgd can looks like you know

we don't know what Chinese juice box looks like

at one point he he grabbed somebody grabs a water

and you can read the label in their hand as they're

chugging the water and i'm like okay so we have

water uh placement we have juice placement america

has beer placement i don't know what that says

about us but okay then there's a scene uh lockdown

ship is sucking all all of these boats up into

the sky and there's and the cars are trying to

get away they're stuck on on the The freeway

there on the bridge and this guy is in a convertible

just playing his guitar Just like why is this

guy playing guitar? There's this Chinese guy

playing a guitar with like hot Chinese chicks

in the back What why is he in the movie? Who

is this guy? Well, it turns out he's a Chinese

rock star This is this is like This is like you're

watching Transformers 1 and Bumblebee drives

down the road and Bon Jovi is just playing his

guitar in a convertible and he looks over and

goes, hey, nice Camaro, you know, no one's driving

it. But hey, look, you know, and then he starts

playing because I'm a cowboy. And then Bumblebee

drives off. Does that make sense? No. But you

know, we're not Chinese. We don't we don't know

what's going. We don't understand why this guy

is playing a guitar. It's just like walls. Michael

Bay like this guy. I guess there's a funny scene

There's a funny scene. I'm still okay product

placement. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait talk.

You mentioned Bon Jovi Yeah, you know if you

switch that song Make it the the big -time song

from Armageddon bingo. There's double product

placement for Bon Jovi and two Michael Bay movies

It's like Shia LaBeouf having bad boys two posters

on his wall But oh and then the lastly the one

that I did recognize was there was a I don't

remember his name rough hand But there's a scene

where Stanley Tucci is in an elevator Mm -hmm

in this building and the bad guys are coming

to get him What's her name? Lily Bing? His assistant.

Yeah, his assistant. I forget her name, but she's

a Chinese. She's a famous Chinese actress and

She tells him wait in this elevator. I'm gonna

go kick these guys ass She doesn't say that but

she tries and she's trying and it looks like

she's got the better of them but these guys are

really starting to Get the upper hand on her

and the guy in the elevator who Stanley Tucci

is talking to who has no idea what the hell Stanley

Tucci is saying because he doesn't speak English

He's just like looking at him like hey, I'm just

guy in the elevator, you know I'm here for comic

relief because you're looking at me and talking

to me and I have no idea what the hell you're

saying He then comes out and he's a ninja then

he kicks everybody's ass You know why? Because

he's a Chinese action hero star. This is the

equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger randomly

being in an elevator Coming out and just laying

waste to all the bodyguards. You know what honestly

it would have been better if Brains was in the

elevator with Hal Sparks a la spider -man 2 he's

like, I'm spider -man. Okay. Yeah. Sure. You

are a nice costume kid. Um But I mean again,

it's the product placement, yeah, it's not just

products. It's not just like Bear, little, yellow,

different. It's people. We're putting people

in there. We're not just putting actors in there

who Chinese people will recognize. We're putting

people in Chinese culture. We're adding their

rock stars. We're adding their superheroes. We're

adding their Olympic athletes, and we're putting

them into movies where they'll be like... Hey,

that's our guy. He's in Hong Kong and this movie's

based in Hong Kong and it's awesome Even though

a lot of the Hong Kong scenes were actually filmed

in Chicago. Yeah age of X er, yeah age of extinction

Would have been so much better if that ninja

had been Jackie Chan Jackie Is Jackie Chan Chinese

I don't know overall Doesn't matter still easy

he's an action star Want to make one last point

on on some of these stupidity things of the transformers

The second film where you have the the robots

that can turn into chicks Why don't they use

that pretend technology to create their own companies

and kind of work undercover and then bring all

their You know transformers to earth instead

of letting humans run them and then to you know

with having the the The pixelated transformers

Pixelformers. From Digimon. Digiformers. I just

don't see how the series is going to, you know,

I mean granted it was at least partially grounded

in the fact that these are alien robots and then

now that they can create things out of nothing

and then they can disperse and can't really be

destroyed it's like how do you actually kill

them now. It's like Star Trek Into Darkness and

Con Superblood. Nobody ever dies anymore so.

Saw a lot of heads getting ripped off. I'm gonna

go with they will die I'm gonna I'm gonna go

with next unless they disperse first. No the

next movie prime comes back He's being chased

by a planet that's being driven by quinisons

and he runs into Galvatron when he gets back

and says we must join forces or giant space planets

will eat us and Then they join forces and then

at the end once they once the prime lights everyone's

darkest hour then Then he cuts off Megatron's

head again Because why not and then they'll sing

the Stan Bush parody. We grabbed your nuts You

know the one thing that I I really I know it'll

never happen because i know it's not practical

for live -action effects i would love it if michael

bay did one homage to the space cannon for galvatron

so uh... the the bay verse i'm i'm happy that

these movies is is is as bad as they are for

us fans for most of us fans I'm happy that it's

keeping the brand alive. It's making money for

Hasbro to so Hasbro can keep churning out crappy

toys like Kronos Oh, don't even get me started

on the toys. No, no, no, we're not. We don't

have time for that. We'll do that another time.

You know, it's just one of those things where

I'm happy that the franchise is very much alive.

I do look forward to each new film, especially

now that we have a fresh new cast. You know,

I really am looking forward to the next one.

You think they'll use the same cast again? I

mean they've already proven they can switch it

up and not have any Aside from 70 % of potatoes

not have any repercussions Why would they use

Marky Mark? Why wouldn't they? What does he have

at this point to give us? Who knows? Give us

Optimus Prime hope with pep talks from Texas

I'm sorry. You've now offended an entire state!

Way to go! I've done worse. Well, offending an

entire state is better than offending an entire

country. I've done the country and the religion

thing, so that would just be adding something

smaller to my palette. Notice I didn't make fun

of any of them. Chinese product placements because

there's like a billion Chinese people. Yeah,

I almost go Jira Every time you mention that

the that the label was out so people could see

what the label was All as I can think of is friggin

Einhorn laces out From Ace Ventura. Finkle is

Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle. All right Coming

up next on all things transformers next time

around we're gonna be talking about transformers

in comics and video games Take it away, Steve.

So, thank you for listening to all things Transformers,

and we'll catch you next time. Unless I catch

you first. Alright, that's... With Megatron's

pants around his ankles. God, I hope you recorded

that. I don't think it's a truck at all. I think

we just found a Transformer.